Saturday, 5 August 2017

Muskurane ki Wajah

Sepanjang perjalanan balik dari kerja setiap hari, there are two things yg tak pernah membosankan.

Satu,
Driving alongside pengkalan udara sg.besi. Seluas2 pemandangan, yang hujungnya nampak sayup2 bangunan tinggi kl city. Sambil layan OST citylight yg asyik diulang2 tu.

Dua,
Entering into Alam Damai, dari jauh akan sayup2 menung ke arah bukit besi. Further into the neighborhood, alongside bukit yg jadi tapak perumahan. Kalau bukan sebab ada rasa malu, I will just call someone and ask if I can go up there. Because the view up there is so relaxing. For sure he will say yes. Tapi tulah, malu.

And today, for the 3rd week, I get my weekly boost to smile. Dari jauh, dari tepi... If I suddenly call and ask dah makan ke belum, surely there will be a u-turn at that traffic light kan... Haha... Over confident. 😝

Hmmmm....
I am missing the expensive soft side, which was truely surprising, and stress relieving 😀

Moga dalam pemeliharaan Allah sentiasa.

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Steamed Wholemeal

Never have been so honest like this.
Made clear that I am not bounded to such kind of loyalty, but am deeply in a stage in which, it seems so impossible for me to turn to the other sides.

Yesterday was a thrill in conversation. Never thought that such kind of interrogation can be so serious that it gets me sounds so shaky.

Again I am in a state of denial, though what others told me already make me think more than twice about what the heck that u particularly want from me until u need to ask so many deadly questions? Why is it so important to understand why I choose to be like this and that, why I choose to put these kinda rules and regulations for myself, what are my criterias of this and many things, and

And why, on top of everything....
Why do u think u can, or have to deny the things that I can sense and experience and indulge in better that you do? It is about what I feel my dear, and what I choose to feel.

Why do we have to be in such great disputes over this matter?

Why do u care?

I am wholeheartedly into what I admit as special. And that is already a superbly frank confession which I usually can't say it out loud. But then why u dont wanna accept that?

Thursday, 27 July 2017

Damai

Sekali dua dia mohon didoakan.
Sedangkan sejak awal lagi aku terlalu sudi mendoakan walau berpuluh kali.

Harap apa juga kesudahan nanti  mampu diterima dgn redha.

Kalau rasa itu yg mampu buat kita rasa terlalu perlu kpd tempat mengadu, yang akhirnya buat kita menggagau mencari Dia..syukurilah walau terpaksa menangis.

Sayang yg harapnya, dgn apa cara sekalipun...mampu memberi kebaikan.

InsyaAllah, apa pun yang terbaik dinpandangan Dia... Kita sama2 bersedia utk redha.

Just like how I often wrote,
Apa yg terasa payah, itulah medan jihad pahala buat kita. Sebab Allah pandang usaha juga kan?

Entah, terasa manis bila mampu dihalusi dgn tenang. Terasa indah walaupun payah, bila mampu ikhlas mendoakan dalam hakikat kita menyedari realiti bhw yg ini juga, mungkin bukan takdirnya sentiasa ada.

Ya, ikhlas itu membawa tenang.

Cinta itu tempatnya di syurga.
Dengan apa cara sekalipun, true love will bring us to Jannah.
Walau mungkin bukan dgn cara kebersamaan, tapi hanya dgn saling meredhai dan ikhlas menyerah diri pada taqdir yg disusun Pemilik Cinta.
Niatkanlah segala rasa, demi Allah.

Saturday, 22 July 2017

"Officemates"

I guess I couldnt hide the happy face.

But I think I have enough justification for that...

Asalnya tak sangka, but thanks for making your own way so easy.

Kdg2 bila plan nak beli baju, terfikir nak warna hitam belang coklat, lengan panjang, tp last2 mata berkenan dgn sleeveless dress warna coklat dan loose cardigan wrna hitam.

Yes, I admit it.
I just couldn't hide my happy face.

I knew you realized it too.

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Tersalah gurau

Mr.  Project Manager was in HQ with his usual loud voice.

There's one moment where he approached me and asked
"How was the site visit?"
I said "ok"

"ok je. Why you came actually eh? U tngok apa? "

The fact that this guy is somewhat humorous and suka bergurau dan menyakat orang, sampai orang konfius xtau nak marah ke nak ketawa...(in a positive side, dia pencetus suasana sbnrnya) tetiba buat aku terlepas kata tanpa berfikir.

I said, "saja je"
Niat nk bergurau, tp muka yg sebelum tu tgh seryes (dan sombong) xsempat nk tukar ekspresi.

Then I started to gelabah the whole day thinking how could I say that to a project manager??? What if he was really in a serious mode.

Dahla lepas jawab mcm tu dy trus blah sbb bos panggil ke ape ntah td.

Mlm ni kena doa kaw2 semoga dia tak mark nama budak baru ni as budak kerek.

Matila nokkk...

Sorry Faidzal. I tersalah tempat nak bergurau 😥

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Kabilah

Banyak yg di luar sana yg kita senda2kan dgn gelaran 'budak2 kurang kasih sayang' tu mmg benar2 kurang merasa diri disayangi.

Who knows what they might have been witnessing in their family, their parents. Siapa tahu?!

Engkau yg mak ayah ckp lemah lembut pun entah2 pernah memberontak bila mak tak bagi keluar, atau kena bebel balik lambat.
Kita tahu apa dgn nasib org lain yg kita senda2kan, pulau2kan?

Kdg2 masalah boleh buat kita lemah, rasa rendah diri, hilang self-esteem... hilang arah, hilang pertimbangan.

Dan mudahnya masyarakat yg tak mahu menolong ni memandang jengkel dan buat bahan gurau..

Tolonglah, where is your conscience?

Kita yg suka2 mengutuk mengata di belakang ni pernah pergi slow talk tanya dia whats her problem? No??

Entahla... I often have high level of compassion towards individu2 yg kurang diterima dlm society, dalam puak2 dan kabilah2 yg merasa diri terlalu suci utk bergaul dgn insan2 yg kononnya bermasalah ni.

Dan hari ni rasa nak melenting tiba2 bila terdengar 'kurang kasih sayang' tu digurau2kan, dan disebut dgn nada memperlekehkan.

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Cendol

I thought I knew the phase that person is in now, as the conversation went on.... I could read what was his concern.

As he was the one who initiated every single topics.
We talked about young Muslim guy who doesn't pray.
Young Muslim man who is successful in career, but for so many years have been giving in their life to the so-called social demands to the extent of drinking beer, wine, etc.

End of it, I received his card.... a Project Manager at the age of 32, working in a civil works construction company.

Then he reached out his hands, offering a hand-shake.

"I never give a chance to myself, for such lecture. Thank u for being honest"

Lecture???

"Then honestly, I dont shake hands with guys bro"

Three people who were listening while enjoying their cendol asked "How?"

I said No.
He said Yes. *mataterbeliak*

"Kak, muktamad?"
"I believe we both have no time for uncertainties. So.... Yes, muktamad."

Well, that's just a little bit of 'fun' on our last day before Ramadhan came in.

Entah apa rencana Tuhan... bila akhir2 ini, kerap sangat jumpa dan kenal dgn manusia yg betah dgn sikap dan kebiasaan yg dulu kita rasa macam di luar batasan yg boleh diterima akal. Tapi peliknya, they are so honest about who they are and what they do, and are quite open to accept criticism.

Dunia ini benar2 tempat ujian.

Friday, 23 June 2017

Bijan

The colours are bright.
Though some of the dark sides are still visible.

But somehow the darker shades made the lighter ones become more noticable.

I declared at the early stage about the limitation...and it turns out well in every occasion. It works the way it is supposed to.

In the middle of a challenging situation, you are suddenly enlightened by the way they portrays the recognition towards you being your pure self.

Dan saya sangat bahagia dgn segelintir dlm komuniti kecil ini, yg benar2 bersifat melindungi.

Though you have to say no to a lot of things they're offering, it was really an honour when they ended up saying. "I like you. I still like you"

Cinta pandang pertama tu wujud. I mean it in a bigger context. Kadang2 just by their way of saying hi and look up to you in the first meeting pun, you know u gonna like them eventually.. even without having to see each other everyday...even without having a close relationship, it is possible to guess, who you gonna be comfortable and confident with, dan siapa yg mampu utk buat kita lebih menghargai diri sendiri, bila dia ada bersama kita.

And a turn-off factor was being told. Then I am like constantly 'pancing' from everyone on how true is that, though I know it's not something with any scales. It's just a firm yes or no. I wish I tersalah dengar or something but...

Haha. Terimalah hakikat.

Things are not perfect here. But I feel much better. Alhamdulillah 😊

Friday, 12 May 2017

hugs

Stop. Look. Choose. Vote.

That started with lots of fun, but drastically turned to be so emotional towards the end.

1. Turn your back
2. Stare at your partner
3. Shake hands
4. Hug your partner

Chuckled everytime I need to give only 2 to all guys, but I guess and I hoped they understood well that behind the 2 score given, my level of acception is beyond 4.

Then came one who gave me 4. I change his score from 2 to 4 also.
And guess what we did after that?

We created a silly 'peluk jarak jauh' gesture. (oh, I met one with teary eyes while doing this silly gesture)

Believe me, the game was tough.

Monday, 1 May 2017

100Plus @ KLCC

Tak tahu apa jenis rasa bila tiba2 tersebut dan teringat.

Alam maya sezaman dahulu memang benar2 umpama mimpi. Maybe at that time we were too naive of what the outside world might affect our way of thinking and dreaming.

Bagaimana tidak seindah mimpi, berpagi2an setiap hari mendahului yang lain. Rupa2nya ada yg lebih awal di situ. Direzekikan menumpang tenang dalam sunyi subuh dgn alunan Al-Waqi'ah yang sayup bergema.

Duduk di sebalik tirai, there were a lot of things to define and figure out, both in mind and within the heart.

Entah keindahan apa sebenarnya yang lebih meralitkan. Maka ada airmata keliru yang mengalir. Terlalu ingin dijauhkan, tapi itulah yg ditakdirkan terus menguji ketetapan.

Bukan terlalu mudah jalannya bila kita berikrar dalam diam, untuk tidak terlalu terganggu dan tertarik dari kelurusan, tapi tertipu juga dgn terang yg diharap mampu menyuluh, tapi rupanya sekadar silau yang sangat mengelirukan.

Mahu ikhlas merelakan kenangan yang sebahagiannya masih memalukan. Moga hanya yg terbaik untuk semua, juga yg tidak lagi kedengaran khabarnya.

Realiti diri hari ini sangat jauh dari keindahan mimpi lalu.

Allah bless you. Saya redha.

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Sesegar Hijau Daunan

Having to go through similar things over and over again, I secretly wish that there will be time, when I don't have to feel sad and broken again.

Kawan dan sahabat dtg dan pergi. Pernah kita terasa macam dialah soulmate, dialah kawan jatuh dan bangun. Tapi tak lama lepas masing2 membawa haluan sendiri, usaha2 untuk mengekalkan hubungan jadi makin sepi. Kemuncaknya bila kita tahu tentang perkahwinannya melalui org lain. Bila ucapkan tahniah pada gambar perkahwinannya tak dibalas.

Saya tak mahu berkecil hati.

Pernah kita terasa dia seorang jelah yg ada bersama waktu orang lain against kita. Dan kita juga setia menemani dgn secawan quaker oat di tgh gelanggang dgn masih bertelekung, bila tak ada siapa yg sudi menemani dia apatah lagi mendengar. Kita jugalah yang meluru memeluk dan menangis gembira bila dia berjaya.

Tapi jarak kadang2 buat kita tak jelas dgn apa sebenarnya yg menghambat dia pergi, hanya dgn kata2 akhir yg sangat mengelirukan.

"Sri, terima kasih. Kau baik sangat, seryesly kau baik sangat"

Dan sepi, untuk tahun yg hampir kesembilan.

Sekali lagi saya tak mahu berkecil hati.

Kadang2 jadi rumit bila terlalu menyayangi. Apapun, deep inside... Tipu kalau kita langsung tak bersedih dan kecewa, malah menangis dgn situasi yg tak mampu kita fahami sepenuhnya.

Kalau ada silap dan salah, mohon maafkan saya.

Kita pernah berpaut lengan mengalun doa rabitah, kita pernah berjanji utk berjumpa di Syurga, kita pernah berpelukan dlm tangisan tanpa kata2 setiap kali kita leraikan perselisihan2 kecil.

Saya masih simpan segala memori, dan masih berharap sisa ukhuwah kita masih punya harapan untuk dibajai semula.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Teman

Kadang2 orang kata, it's good to br with people yang bila kita bersama mereka, kita boleh tanpa segan silu pamerkan dan tunjukkan semua perangai2 tak elok kita.

But for me, I want to be with people who can turn me into a person I want to be, just by being themselves.

Yang bila bersama mereka, kita malu utk ketawa berlebihan, malu untuk mengutuk mengata orang, malah malu untuk berkeluh kesah.

Dan juga mampu buat kita selesa dgn perbualan dalam nada yg tenang.

Semoga Allah pinjamkan kita dgn insan2 sebegini.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Bukan Idaman

We can really talk too much when describing and elaborating all the criterias in our super long list, of our desired people to surround ourselves with.

Tapi sungguhlah,
Hati sendiri pun bukan dalam genggaman kita sepenuhnya. Inikan pula pandangan dan perhatian sekeliling terhadap kita...juga apa dan siapa yang Dia takdirkan untuk mengelilingi kita.

Little do we expect, sekeras2 bahasa yg langsung tak berbudi menjadi pemula kita terpaksa mencari sisi2 berbeza untuk lebih memberi selesa pada hati sendiri.

Dingin dan tegang yang hampir buat kita menangis marah, akhirnya menjadi lunak dgn maaf dalam sembunyi.

Siapa sangka satu hari kita terkedu dgn pengakuan tentang kelemahannya yg kita tak harap nak dengar.

Jauh, sangat jauh dari keindahan mimpi...sangat jauh dari angan2 dan imaginasi...

Realiti di sebalik kejujuran itu rupa2nya membuatkan kita lebih menerima kelemahan2 yg ada untuk diurus dan diperbaiki.

Kadang2 tak pasti, perlu atau tidak beralah dgn impian yg diwarisi dari sedikit bekalan tahu dan faham. Sedang itu yang diajar.

Tapi lain yg didatangkan.

Atau mungkin kekuatan tak seberapa dalam menerima ini yang perlu dikorbankan.



Thursday, 19 January 2017

Sifu SHH

"I know you're badly affected by the situation now. That's why I think it is best for me to leave.
Dan I harap u tak terburu2 to make the same move, just because of me, and what's happening. Give yourself a chance, and give them a chance too. Kadang2 kita perlu try utk faham dan bertimbangrasa dgn 'dia' "

After all the shits he has done to you,  masih lagi kau mampu nasihatkan org lain utk kekal hormat dan bg peluang pada dia.

You really have my respect.
And I surely gonna miss u

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Nasi Ulam 😁

Kalau ada pagar yang hampir roboh, jangan kau terus gopoh menceroboh.
Sementara kau memandang dalam batas kesopanan dan melihat dalam batas keizinan, usahakanlah memagari semula.

***

Of all the differences, we agreed to see and listen more in order to give way to a meaningful purpose.

Tapi, pengalaman cukup mengajar... Bersederhanalah dalam merancang. Berpada2lah dalam merealisasikan niat2 yg baik.

Jom Al-Mulk 😉

Sunday, 8 January 2017

Revamp

"I don't think you are good in handling a person who is rough, sensitive, hot-tempered, stubborn or can be easily summarized as complicated"

*diam*

I know it's not a nice way to start a conversation, during the first catch-up session after quite a long time.

But just a moment before it ended, I finally got the answer, very close to what I want to hear.

Bravo. I am convinced, for now.....hopefully not for nothing.