Monday, 30 August 2010

no title

memang Tuhan Yang Satu tu sangat hebat sifatnye kan?
memang all of HIS plans tu slalu tak mampu nak diteka kan? kan???

Cara DIA menegur pun....subhanallah...halusnya...
'terkena' lg saya hr ni...'terkena', 'terusik' dengan hanya beberapa ayat yang panjangnya 5-6 baris. malu! malu sendiri...

hari ni, makin kuat tekad utk betul2 faham dengan apa yg terjadi..
hari ni, makin faham...dan setakat yg difahami, rupa2nya selama ni...
"ketenangan dinikmati, emosi disentuh, kemanjaan didengari, kelembutan dirasai"
semua ni buat nilai yang sepatutnya tinggi makin rendah dipijak nafsu sendiri!
astaghfirullah.....berat sgt janji untuk tidak mengulang lagi...berat sangat! sebab, bukan mudah...sungguh, bukan mudah...

ini rupanya jawapan pada kesedihan dan kehilangan...sekali lagi DIA selamatkan hambaNya...sekali lagi DIA meninggikan semula harga yang hakikatnya takkan mampu dibayar. sekali lagi, semuanya dengan menghadiahkan kesakitan yg mulanya tak tertanggung, tp kataNya,
"la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha"
jadi bersabarlah....ada baiknya....

"....sebaiknya manusia Kau ciptakan..hinanya angkara diri sendiri..."

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

BORED =(

boringla...igt lg dulu ad kawan pnh tnye..
"sri, nape b4 lecturer dtg, ko suke duk luar kelas sorang2?"

hurm...t'kezut time tu..xsangka habit yg satu tu diperhatikan...ntahla...I admit, mmg kdg2 tu sy cepat bosan dan serabut bila 'beramai-ramai'. xpandai bergaul??? maybe btul gak kot.

jawapan yg sy bg wktu tu,

"ntah...mybe I jz wanna be myself tanpa ad ap2 influence dr org lain"

poyo gile bunyik kan?

but it was true for quite sometimes...and it is now becoming true again...smpai mak ckp sy sombong...(agaknye la kot)
mane taknye...anak dara dy sorng ni tbe2 je suka duk sorng2...unless kalau kakak2 sume blk umah, bile dgn family sy still kepoh lg la...tp dgn org luar...hmmm....nape ntah.

akhir2 ni, sy sendiri pun pelik...ke hulu ke hilir dlm kampus, sy lebih selesa sorang2...sbb, ntahla..bukan sy nak nafikan yg sy perlukan kwn, tp kdg2 sy jd confuse dgn sikap manusia yg terlalu pelbagai...sikap sendiri pun x habis faham lg...haha...slalu je pening2 tnye diri sendiri
"apsal la ak ni..."

satu statement yg pelik tp benar utk diri sy,
"sy rse lebih sunyi bila dlm keramaian berbanding waktu bersndirian"
haha...ap la plak ni sri sazila...

tgh serabut sebenarnye ni...boring tu cpt benar dtgnye kalau kita x sepenuh hati terima sesuatu keadaan..mmg ramai yg cuba 'menegur'(dan menghentam)... tp utk hal ni, sy dah penat paksa diri..dan sy akui sy terlalu ego utk menerima bnyk hal...jd rsenye, drpd sy trus mencacatkan hati sendiri dgn rse xsuka, xbleh trime n even sometimes menyampah, ad baiknya sy cari sesuatu yg lebih buat ht tenang utk menerima...=)
(maaflah ye...ganas sgt bunyiknye ni)

that's it, I'm bored....
boring sungguh sepanjang sy cuba utk 'go with the flow' ni...dah lebih setahun, tp still lg flow nye trsekat2..sometimes i even oppose it..and I don't know how to perform well...sy tau, org cakap, sume ni dugaan...'mereka' memandang ni sbgai satu obstacle utk sy harungi so that sy akan terus ke depan...dugaan...

tp sy memandang ini sebagai kesilapan yg sgt2 perlu utk diperbaiki...lain org lain jalannye, lain 'track' nye...track ini menuju ke garisan penamat yg sy xnak jejak...jd sy perlu cr balik di mana 'track' sy...

oh, dilemma...drpd trus jd LALANG dan terbang ikut angin, I prefer to let myself out of this situation..dah setahun sy cuba, tp hati masih lg x bahagia...but I don't even know if I have the chance utk 'lari' jauh2...

bila dah x suka tu, salah sikit pun ht dah mengomel mcm2..astaghfirullah...ap la nak jd..
makin x best dibuatnya, bila tersedar diri ni dah jauh sgt berubah...

Saturday, 21 August 2010

.....KAWAN.....


*REMOVED*

*sudahla sri......

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

from 17 to 20

Apa dia yg 17 to 20 tu?
Ahha...this is the period of me becoming a blogger. Since I was 17...
n now I am 20...
I'm scrolling down through all posts from the newest to the oldest. Apa yg sy tengok?
Haha..different modes of writing throughout these three years...comparing the latest post and the oldest post, wow! mcm ditulis oleh 2 org yg berbeza. See, how far had I changed? gaya bahasa zmn dulu2 adalah bunyik2 skema sket..almaklumla, at that time I was freshly graduated from KISAS..(hmm,rindu) and most of the KISASians have their own blog. I do admit that somehow I got the influences from them in the aspect of writing style. So, zaman dulu2 tu, kalau bc blog2 kami, mcm lebih kurang sama je gayanya. heheh..
Dulu2, kebanyakan post sy menggunakan bahasa yg sgt ringkas, nampak jelas ke'childish'an nye mcm kanak2 riang je, and straight to the point...lebih berdasakan apa yg sy tau drpd apa yg sy alami. Sebab, dulu sy banyak berkongsi link dgn sahabat2 dr kisas, muslimin dan muslimat. Jd, sy menulis untuk dibaca dan menyampaikan sesuatu. Tp sejak sy tukar url blog dr ilazahiy8890 ke sri8561-ilazaini, kwn2 lme dah xdpt access blog ni...n sy pun xrajin nak hebahkan url baru...segan sbnarnye nak bg dorng bc blog ni. Blog ni pun ntah dah bpe bnyk kali b'tukar status dr public ke private ke public balik.
Now, obviously since I finished my foundation year...mmg blog ni mcm da b'tukar wajah..di akhir usia belasan tahun, banyak ilmu yg diuji..banyak nilai yang hampir nak melayang...jadi apa yg terjadi bukan setakat belajar secara teori, tp dah smpai ke tahap latihan industri, 'practical training'.
Consequently, blog ini akhirnya lebih terisi dgn apa yg sy alami, bukan lg apa yg sy tahu. Negative and positive mode are always fluctuating responding to the 'stimuli' from the surrounding. Hidup, mood, iman, semuanya macam lines of graph. That 'graphical interpretation' is now being my subject of writing. The observations and inferences.
Hurm...
from 17 to 20
how people change
by knowledge we know
through experience we learn
and trials keep us strong

*Ya Allah, panjangkanlah usia kami dalam ketaatan padaMu*

beautiful melody

I'm not really in the mood to write anything but i just wanna share a video, which has been for about 6 months, my favorite video. It is all because of the overwhelming soothing background music. I had actually tried to search for the music online but I haven't manage to do so. All I know is just the fact that it's a sufi music. I don't know the title. So, let's watch (listen actually)



nice song. isn't it?

Sunday, 15 August 2010

past n present

I am seriously longing for a moderate and content laughter. Today and just a 'little' years ago is somehow decades-distant. I really miss enjoying the torture designed for me to get what I want. I miss the moment when the hardness could still make me smile...that sense of gratitude 'was' really a super-duper great friend. I miss the moment when I realized what true friends are. But I guess the moment was too short for me.

Past is past...and I know clinging is not what I should do now. But when difficulties arise, I wonder why am I so negatively trying to 'hide' behind those sweet memories..or maybe I'm just letting myself drowned in them to attract the 'past' motivational thoughts to lit up my spirit again, pull me out of the candy-like ocean? I'm not sure if this is possible.

No, I'm not(guess so) and I guess (just a guess) I'm just trying to hunt on the serenity of a gratitude so that I will know how to face everything with maturity.
[It's hard]

Friday, 13 August 2010

'hilang'

Manusia tetap manusia..xde tindakan manusia yang betul2 sempurna...xde kepercayaan manusia yg 100% total! dan xde manusia yg patut dipercayai 100%!

Dengan angkuhnya hari ni saya mengajar diri untuk
JANGAN PERCAYA PADA SESIAPA PUN UNTUK MEMAHAMI SITUASI KITA.
kita pun belum tentu boleh faham situasi org lain kan...

kalau xde keperluan, sri sazila...xpayah la cerita pd sape2 ttg ape2 pun...jgnlah terlalu berharap untuk ada yg sanggup susah senang bersama...kalau awak sedih, belum tentu org akan faham rasa sedih tu...kalau awak kecik ht, mybe org akan pelik.."nape nak kecik ht pulak"
bcoz they don't feel it!

lebih teruk kalau ada yg sanggup manipulate cerita...sungguh sakit jiwa dgn manusia begini...

dan ingat! manusia2 yg OPPORTUNIST dan MANIPULATIVE tu sentiasa ada di kiri dan kanan, depan dan belakang. beware of those kind of people..

and sometimes being alone is good for you, sri! bukan setiap masa kamu perlukan teman,kawan,sahabat,apa2 saja...sbbnye, ask yourself sri...can u still put your trust on anybody???

can u still look at them with love,affection?
can u still sincerely love them from the bottom of your heart?
can u still feel like sacrificing anything for the sake of them?
can u still not looking at them without any prejudices and bad feelings?
can u still feel that their loves are without any conditions?
ANSWERS=YES and NO

can u still feel that there are people to lend you her/his shoulder for you to cry on?
-definitely no! At least, NOT NOW!-

look, sri! u are now not trusting anyone...

dah xde rasa yg hening dan bening pada manusia....=(
rasa sgt2 perlu untuk 'jatuh syg' pada mereka kembali..kalau dlu pun ala2 sparuh ht, xsempat nak whole-heartedly, dah tinggal kurang dr suku ni..
rasa mcm sakit sgt hati ni bila dah xmampu nak betul2 ikhlas menyayangi mereka2 semua...sungguh! xmampu dah..sebab?? sedih sgt dah!
mana perginya rabithah tu? ya Allah....
"adim hubbana ya Allah..."

*2,3 org sahabat yg selalu cuba utk memahami, selalu peluk dan tenangkan sy, pujuk sy, n kembalikan keyakinan sy pd diri sndiri dan org lain berada sgt jauh dr sy....sy sgt rindukan mereka...=(

"Allahumma inni asaluka hubbaka, wa hubba man yuhibbuka"

Sunday, 8 August 2010

:-(

I'm not feeling well

Dada sebak
jantung berdegup laju
kepala berat
mata pedih

sebak...sgt sebak!
mari terima kenyataan..:-)

Saturday, 7 August 2010

WHISPER-the interpretation

Scary~
but this is what I found in my googling session to know about the hidden meaning behind the song, especially the verses towards the ending of the song

WHISPER by Evanescence.

This is the full lyrics.

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
if i will it all away


[Chorus:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[Chorus]

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

[Chorus x3]
Servatis a periculum.
Servatis a maleficum

...And these are some of the interpretations that I'd came across...

"when Jesus is on the cross, God has to abandon him so that he can take on the sin of the world. Jesus cries out "My God why have you forsaken me?" That's the "speaking to the atmosphere no one's here and I fall into myself" certainly the pain must have been incredible ... etc. When Christ descends into hell, that's the "fallen angels at my feet" etc. Anyway, if you think about it this way, it's a very humanizing way to think about how Jesus must have felt, with pain and fear."

And the Latin part:
Servatis a periculum.
Servatis a maleficum.

which means:
"save yourself from danger, save yourself from evil"

Urghh...sungguh scary...lagu yg sy suka ni rupa2nya cerita psl Jesus...n of coz bukan dr persepsi Muslim.

Langkah selamat: dengar lagu melayu jela lepas ni....:-(

Thursday, 5 August 2010

DIA

Dia yg sgt sy kagumi dan cemburui selama ni...for almost everything

...semangatnya...
...ilmunya...
...sikapnya...
...kematangannya...
...pemikirannya...
...pengalamannya...
...keberaniannya...
...kebolehannya...

...dan hari ni sy terkedu dan hampir menangis bila menyedari yg dia juga pernah dibebani rasa yg terlalu berat, yg sgt sama dgn apa yg sy rasa pada dia.

Kadang2 pernah sy bertanya pd diri sendiri..."kenapalah sy 'ter'kenal dgn dia?"
Why did he introduced her to me? Sy sgt xsangka, perkenalan yg sgt tak proper itu rupa2nya smpai terbawa-bawa ke dlm mimpi.

Dulu pernah ada satu harapan yg terpaksa sy lupakan, sy campak jauh2 bila terdengar namanya buat kali pertama. Dari situ pun sy dah dapat rasa aura kehebatan pemilik nama tu. And somehow, suddenly....someone tells me many things about her. I felt totally down even though that someone kept comforting me throughout those old days.

Saya dan dia, pernah dapat +ve compliments dari orang yg sama. Kami pernah di'samatarafkan' dan itu buat sy terfikir "apa yg org nampak dlm diri sy smpai nak disamakan dgn dia yg dnga2nye sgt hebat tu?"
Xtaulah...whether pemberi compliments itu menipu atau dia sebenarnya sgt xpandai menilai. Sy semakin mengenali orang yg 'disamakan' dgn saya tu, tanpa pengetahuan org yg memperkenalkan kami. Senyap2, curi2, sy 'menjelajah' pemikirannya setiap kali berkesempatan.

Dan...subhanallah...sy diuji dengan perasaan yg tak tertanggung. Betapa insan ini yang dikatakan 'biasa2 sje', ad yg samakan saya dgn dia?? sungguh kurang waras.

"Ya Allah, kalau compliments itu sekadar nak menjaga hati(atau memancing), khabarkan pada mereka bhw aku tak perlukan pujian sehebat itu..walaupun belum sempurna tawadhu'ku, aku sedar kekurangan2 diri, terutamanya yg 'relative' kepada diri yg satu itu.."

Dlm diam sy mengagumi, dari jauh saya cemburui...tp sy cuba memujuk hati, dia juga manusia biasa...pasti ada kekurangan yg belum terzahir. Di sebalik penerimaannya yg sentiasa positif pd hampir semua yg berlaku, rupa2nya dia juga pernah memijak lembah yg terlalu dalam sambil memandang langit yg terlalu tinggi untuk dicapai. Dan dia juga pernah menangis kerana itu.

Cuma, solusi kami terlalu berbeza...

~plans~

Hari ni dah 5 ogos...hari yg sy tunggu sejak 2,3 hr kebelakangan ni...tp tbe2 excitement tu dah xde gara2 'gangguan' yg bertalu-talu malam tadi. Sedih pulak bila terpaksa anggap semua tu gangguan, tp maaflah kpd yg berkenaan...sy xmampu...sy xde mood..

10 stgh malam ni, ada something remarkable yg akan berlaku tapi bukan di depan mata saya. Takpela, sy doakn dari jauh, moga semuanya selamat dan dipermudahkan...maaf jugak kpd yg berkenaan, sy xdpt terlibat secara langsung.

Esok, kakak ajak join qiyam kt bank negara...dnga cite mcm kak mimi n kak ima ikut sme...jeles la plak...tp esok kelas smpai petang, kalau terus ke bank negara mestila penat..xsempat rehat n then kena bangun kul 3 pg plak..tambah2 malam tu dnga2nye ad ceramah perdana...adoii..napela buat hr jumaat..tp, kalau2la esok kelas smpai tghr je(mcm impossible) insyaAllah sy join..hehe...
(hai la manusia...mcm2 alasan...lemah sungguh..)

Sabtu, ada jemputan(bukan kenduri kawen ye)...tp sy serba salah nak pegi...sebab masih teringat jemputan yg lepas, bila ada yg salah sangka dgn niat sy...sebagai kawan, sy nak ikut meraikan tp nmpaknya banyak hati yg blum faham sesuatu..dan hati2 yg blum faham tu perlu sy jaga...(rsenye yg menjemput pun xterlalu mengharapkan kehadiran sy sebab dah maklum dgn situasi ni)

Ahad....yeah!! the most exciting part of this week...tak sabar rsenye nak jumpa kwn2 lame kt atas bukit menjalara tuh....aduhaii...rindu tak terkata. Yg ini, insyaAllah MESTI pegi! hehe....
dan...oooopppsssss!!! lupa plak....hr ahad tu bpe haribulan yek?

*ada sesuatu yg sy tunggu untuk berlaku pd hari lahir tahun ni..(yeke nak tunggu??)
xtaulah...sy dah hampir neutral...kalau tak berlaku pun, maksudnya smpai situ jela harapan yg ada...kalau jadi, berdebar jugak membayangkan apelah reaksi sy nanti...be wise ye sri sazila...jgn sampai ad yg merajuk pulak...*

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

~encik hati tersayang~

Entry kali ni macam tak jelas hala tujunya...maaflah kpd sesiapa yg pening membaca...:-)

*1st part*


Tak suka bila jadi mcm ni...
sibuk2 pulak hati ni nak terasa sana sini...mengade btul.
Now, sy menulis di foyer fst and i'm here all alone..sbb hr ni xde mood nak berkawan.
Malas mau layan hati yg ngade2 ni..asyik nak terasa je kejenya.

Takpela...dia xsedar kot apa yang dia buat...xkanla dia sje2 je nak wat sy terasa kan?
Tapi sedih la gak...slalu g mane2 sme2...tp hr ni, kaluar kelas pun langsung tak toleh belakang kt sy...jalan terus je dgn kawan lain. Pg kelas pun xtunggu,jalan dgn org lain...xcakap pun nak gerak...hurmm...dia bad mood kot...biar la..

SRI! jgn sensitif sgt boleh x??? cuba faham org lain plak. (tp fahamla sy jgak...)-ngade!

*2nd part*

Rindu datang lagi (cewah), but I can never tell, apa sebenarnya yg menjadi subjek untuk rindu kali ni. Bukan orang, bukan tempat....tp apa ek?
Pada something yg xnampak tp boleh rasa...boleh dinikmati...

It's a package, once you think about it, u'll miss so many other things.

Inilah yg menjadi wayang dlm layar fikiran sebelum tidur malam tadi.
Rindu ini harus ada solusinya...(Ramadhan nak datang dah)

Apa realisasi kepada solusi tu?

Back to the future? this is not a fiction ok?

Tapi rindu yang satu ni memang terlalu dahsyat kalau sekali dah melanda....
mau mencurah-curah air mata...

rindu ape ni????

xtau...not sure..but i have the idea...

rindu pada satu perasaan, naluri, kesedaran, penghayatan, kehampiran, kelunakan, kepatuhan, kerinduan, kecintaan, kelembutan, ketenangan....

ketenangan???

something like that.

hati oh hati....sungguh haru biru!

***********************************

inilah ragam pendamping yang paling setia ini...encik hati tersayang...yg kdg2 tu suka sgt nak bertelagah dgn cik akal.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

inaudible voice.

the ONE i heard mostly when i'm in trouble
the ONE i heard when i refuse to listen
the ONE i heard when i try to listen to others.

the ONE that tells me why i become so exhausted these days
the ONE that tells me what to tell
the ONE who speaks like I'd never listened to any, before...
the ONE that makes me rise when i'm at the bottom
the ONE who makes me fall for the only reason i would never regret.

the ONE....and the ONLY ONE...

*hint:SATU tak terbilang*

Sunday, 1 August 2010

orang luar

She came across this,
"orang luar"

not knowing who is that..

and I was somehow speechless to know
that she was very well aware of it...

ohhh...haha..that "orang luar" is no longer willing to be ur subject, Mdm....

but I couldn't say a word...to deny, to agree, to confess anything....
because I'm certainly not sure what is happening...
~puzzled~

COUNTING DAYS

I don't like this feeling. Obviously I don't manage to get rid of this hopeful countdown. Erm,, I'm just waiting for a day and a date which will surely be a special event every year. But for this year, it will be even more thrilling, special!

Well, I thought this was over when someone called me just few days ago. The caller didn't say anything for the first few minutes. We hung up on phone for quite a long time but suddenly at the end, the caller said, "sorry, I got a wrong number"

and I was speechless to hear the voice...sooooo familiar! Was it a lie or was it some kind of eagerness to believe something to turn real from my hopes???

I hate having this hope....

STOP THAT!!

...but the countdown part will be continuously killing my rationality...:-)