Saturday, 25 December 2010

CoOrdinAte

*Lebih kepada monolog diri semata-mata..:-)

Alam baru akan ditempuh dalam masa tak sampai seminggu lagi. Kadang tu rasa tak sabar dah...sebab memang selama ni sentiasa cari sesuatu yang menarik untuk diberi sepenuh perhatian dan kudrat padanya dengan harapan tak ada lagi pahit maung yang sudah berlalu kembali mengganggu fikiran. Seriously, sakit sangat bila rasa kekurangan dan tak percaya pada diri tu menghambat kaki dari terus melangkah. Harapnya akan adalah nanti kesibukan belajar dan senyum tawa bersama kawan2 baru yang akan memenuhkan ruang2 hati supaya tak lagi terus-terusan kaku, dingin dan tak bermaya.

Semester2 pertama di sana nanti mungkin akan tertumpu sepenuhnya pada kolej dan fakulti sendiri semata-mata (tanpa ada unsur2 jejak kasih dgn warga S&T tower merangkap bebudak PI009). Dan, insyaAllah akan tingkatkan momentum ke arah yg 'satu' tu...insyaAllah....sebab, itu sahaja satu2nya sumber kekuatan yang boleh diyakini buat masa sekarang.

Perlu coordinate hati. Menginjak usia 21 tahun, tak boleh lagi beralasan tidak bersedia bila didepankan dengan kesusahan dan kesakitan. Memang memulihkan keadaan tu terlalu sukar. Tapi sukar itu cabaran. Untuk apalah DIA dtgkan semuanya waktu aku hilang keyakinan untuk berkongsi duka dengan sesiapa. Itulah kuncinya yang menemukan satu hakikat, bahawa rupa2nya ada kekuatan yang belum selesai dieksplorasi di dalam diri.

Anggap sajelah, semua tu latihan2 untuk tingkatkan 'emotional endurance'(fitness dalaman) hehe... Mungkin juga DIA memanggilku untuk merintih dan merayu kekuatan agar mampu terus berdiri dan melangkah harmoni.

Perlu, sangat wajib melaksanakan satu solusi. Kalau lebih setahun lamanya aku pindahkan rintihan dan kisah suka-duka dari sejadah ke telefon bimbit, rasanya sekarang ni dah sampai seru untuk kembali dengan apa yang biasa dilakukan sebelum tempoh lebih setahun tu aku lalui. Tapi liatnya ya rabbi! Melampau-lampau betul.

Itulah, perlu coordinate hati and clean up all the mess untuk kembali pada yang asal. Bukan senang, tapi dengan permulaan baru ni...moga2 makin cekal untuk mencampak yang tidak2 tu ke belakang...huishh!

Perlu bersedia untuk menjadi talibah sejati. Maksudnya juga ready dgn cabaran2 yang lazimnya familiar di kalangan student. Itu akan jadi tumpuan utama. Study...study..study...and....strategy! Semoga natijah2 menarik yg tertulis atas slip pmr,upsr dan spm satu masa dahulu akan muncul lebih menarik atas transkrip ijazah insyaAllah pada penghujung 2013 nanti..:-) Manis2 sampingan tu biarlah sederhana dulu untuk tempoh awal2 ni. Manis2 sgt nanti dpt diabetis pulak...heh!

Biarkan mereka dengan kelebihan masing2...aku juga istimewa..:-)

*Ada sesiapa tahu ayat mana yg paling panjang dlm Quran? Ada orang berteka-teki dgn saya hr ni..

*Asyik meng'usha' website BQSM...jeling2 barang yg da siap packing..yahooo!

*Dear readers, kalau sudi doakanlah kejayaan dan kekuatan saya di tempat baru...:-) trimas!

Saturday, 18 December 2010

HIKMAH

boring2...nak habiskan sisa cuti lg seminggu...novel, majalah, tv, buku, laptop, radio...
macam2 cerita..macam2 lagu...
ada yang makin dengar makin sedap...heee...=)

ni dia, pinjam satu lirik lagu....

Di tepi kerinduanku
memandang hampa pada dunia

Ku hanya orang biasa
tak lepas dari rasa kecewa

Angan yang membalut mimpi
dulu melukis nyanyian hati

Ku hanya orang yang kalah
satukan hati ku yang terbelah

Hanya padaMu tempat ku mengadu
pahit yang kini menyiksaku

Aku percaya tiada yang sia-sia
Semua kan ada hikmahnya

*quote;
"angan yang membalut mimpi dulu melukis nyanyian hati" ;-)

*bukak album gambar lama2 dan terjumpa sehelai kertas lusuh berlipat2....walaupun lusuh tp sgt refreshing....'surat cinta' tahun 2004 ;-)

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

'hadiah'

Hari ni dihadiahkan satu kiriman....uish, ada 'semut2 hitam' berbaris panjang atas permukaannya....ohh, memang bait2 ni bunyinya ma'ruf jiddan...tapi ralit jugaklah membaca tadi....;-)

ini sebahagian isinya:

Biar kepahitan itu pergi, agar kemanisan mengisi

Biarkan kekecewaan berlalu, agar kegembiraan mewarnai

Biarkan kegelisahan lenyap, jangan kita hilang semangat

Biar penderitaan itu menyapa, agar kekuatan kita jana semula

Biarkanlah diri ini derita, agar aku tahu kepahitan derita ini

Agar aku sedar kesengsaraan ini

sungguh tidak sama

bahkan hanya secebis dari penderitaan Rasulullah S.A.W

Tuhan sesekali idak menzalimi hambaNya

Tapi manusia yang menzalimi diri mereka sendiri

Cahaya kelam pahala dosa

Beupaya memilihnya

Walau kadangkala tersasar lantaran pautan nafsu

Namun peluang dariNya sentiasa ada

Namun kasih dariNya sentiasa memayungi

Diturunkan ad-din memprhalusi akhlak

Dikurniakan akhlak mencantikkan pekerti

Menjadi sebaik-baik ummat

Tunduk sebagai hamba

Berjalan sebagai khalifah

Menyusuri kehidupan mencari sebutir permata “iman”

Menyemai sepohon “taqwa”

Agar dapat berteduh dari kepanasan nafsu

Agar dapat berlindung dari angin hasutan syaitan

Dalam mencari keredhaan Allah S.W.T


*Malam tadi gempar dengan berita dunia...rasa2nya ada yg dulu pernah mengaku tinggal betul2 hampir dgn pantai Medi, 20 meter dari pantai! Mcm mana agaknye semua yg d sne sbb dari CNN dan Al-Jazeera, khabarnye Alexandria yang paling teruk dihentam ribut sampai ada kilang runtuh dan ada nyawa yang melayang...ya Allah, seram jugak dibuatnye...nak call@sms, hp wat prangai...on fb n ym plak, xde sorang pun dari kalangan mereka yg on9. email pun blum berbalas...harap2nye semua ok...

Saturday, 11 December 2010

happy searching...=)

"the

GREAT BLESSING

of mankind

are wIthIN us...

and within OUR rEAcH...

but,

we sHUt our EYES...


and...

like pEoPLe iN tHe dARk,

we fall foul...

upon the very thing we search for...

wiThOUt fINdINg iT"




happy searching everyone..=)

Sunday, 5 December 2010

late night thoughts

I know I'm going for a good reason..enough for me to believe it.

Excited+nervous....
excited sbb mmg ini yg ditunggu..
nervous, takut kalau nanti 'terr'buat tindakan yg mengecewakan diri sendiri....

Tadi seronok berkongsi berita gembira ni dgn kawan lama..bukan main bahagia gelak2 tengok Rapunzel...hehe...borak2, terselit juga imbauan kisah2 'hot' dahulu kala...dan kalau yg 'hot2' tu...adalah sebahagian kisahnya yang buat mulut terkunci...hurm...senyum ajelah....

Kadang2, ada pengalaman yang tak pernah kita impikan..yang tak pernah terfikir untuk dilalui....berlakunya merubah terlalu banyak perkara....sakitnya kadang2 kita nafikan, kita abaikan...sedar2 hampir semuanya dah berubah...terlambat nak berubat....but it's better late than never, kan?
Things happened to make me just the way I should be...kena lagi bijak interpret banyak benda lepas ni...

Apapun, harapnya yg berlalu tu kalau dikenang pun cukuplah sekadar dijadikan pengajaran...
harapnya lepas ni lebih tenang & tak lg terganggu...

mari fokus, mari buat sehabis baik...mari cari kekuatan & keyakinan semula....so that satu hari nanti tak perlu lagi menyorok dlm lubang arnab..so that one day they can see me smiling with content.. insyaAllah...=)
for now, semuanya buat dlm diam2...pergi dulu diam2, nak balik ni pun lagilah hebat diam2nye...

semoga akan kekal redha dengan semua yg berlaku...semoga barakah melimpah pada semua yg 'di sini' dan 'di sana'....

*Shah Alam, Nilai & insyaAllah Shah Alam kembali*

Friday, 19 November 2010

'note'

When frustration sets in, sometimes we can never tell what is the real reason behind it.

1) Sometimes people didn't realize what they were doing...but is it best to put your blame on someone else for making you upset, frustrated?

Sometimes it's only your own actions, attitude and thoughts that can really pull you down...Previous stupid actions, silly mistakes had really done very well on degrading your self-respect. Please, stay alive with thousands of smiles and self-appreciation that you will be going to struggling for.

You had once sighed.....and your heart was aching somehow realizing how people were looking at you with dissatisfaction and even sometimes, hatred! Still, it wasn't really their way of treating you and your thoughts, your ideas and whatever you did that were making you feel so useless! but it was always your illogical high expectation for all to have the same words as yours and to deeply understand all of your actions and gestures!

.....and someone who you had wrongly thought as ignorant have had an idea to pull you out of the frustration by saying,
"you please Allah, not everyone and that should be enough.."

2) Dear friend,
sometimes being in 'that' kind of crowd may blind your eyes...and that's the way your knowledge, values and virtue are tested.

We were well educated about what's wrong with 'that'. We knew the consequences. We knew it was so hard to avoid so people were doing it with victory...and we were part of a society that was always against 'it'.
But...just see how the situations were twisted! We were definitely out of strength! and we did exactly the same thing but for our case that could be said as worse than what others did because we were better aware of......you know....than them.

and we had watched how it had ruined so many things in life. how destructive!

and now we know it was a mistake...and I guess we had learned from it...so be strong my dear friend....don't ever do that again....i'm trying..so you better try as well....=)

..........................................................................................................................................................................

-08/08/08 to 01/07/10-

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

~wishlist~

things that I wish to do/have..
*this post is written out of a critical boredom*

for now, i'm thinking of...

...ice skating
...bowling
...cycling around somewhere with minimum sunlight...tmpat yg banyak pokok..wooo...bestnye!
...nak men kejar2, lari2, lompat2 kt tepi pantai dgn kawan or family ramai2...
...rock climbing (out of sudden)
...or at least....jog kt tasik permaisuri dkt ngan umah ni pon jadikla...

the point is,
i wanna have some activities outdoor!!


Sunday, 7 November 2010

undone

I have stayed long
wishing things to change
and I realized how hard it was to pull myself out of it

Breathing in and out
there were whispers of hopes
I just stayed there...hoping that I could be the one
to give
to accept
to smile
to cry
to confront
to comfort
hey, I thought I would want to sacrifice more
Or at least...just please...read me...
I've had my own ways of being affectionate...
I might had been silenced by virtue...
it's too much hidden and unspoken...
don't get me wrong....
distance didn't count.....I care!

and the silenced part is killing me
I'm bleeding...
it's too much to tell
but I wasn't given any chances
so can you hear me screaming now???

......after all, I might not be the one who is meant to change things.....
reluctantly....I'm leaving....

*for once I wish to be understood by a person....it has been half a year...but things are still undone...=( i still ...................(sigh)...........

Friday, 29 October 2010

~reminiscing~

Nothing much to say....just, I need a medium to express this because verbal conversation will be difficult when it comes to this matter...

I am reminiscing those things again...was so surprised by the unexpected meeting yesterday, when almost everything melted into tears! hah! nanges lagi???tak ah...hampir2 je...control macho le...xmo nanges dpn individu itu.

But there was a moment of yesterday, when my lungs were filled with concentrated high-pressured air which in turn, burst out everything inside in a form of liquid (sje wat description melampau)haha....itu momen d sebuah surau, bila yg ditahan2 sengaja dibiar melimpah, mencurah-curah...biarkan! dan sepotong doa itu, macam terlalu berat untuk ditadah dgn dua tapak tangan ni...entahkan mereka melihat atau tidak..biarkan!

Di sana dulu pernah berlangsung kisah serba pertama, semuanya baru! Di sana dulu pernah merasa aura2 determination dan strong will yang menjadi milik bersama...seronok share ramai2..=)

Terkenang satu malam Ramadhan di sana....malam peperangan yg hebat...bila yg menduga dtg dgn momentum yg sgt laju, sedangkan dari jauh auranya menipu dengan kelembutan palsu yang membelai2...bila makin dekat, mula mencuit dan akhirnya menikam...dan bayangkanlah kesakitan mencabut mata pedang dari tubuh sendiri....peritnye malam tu mmg tak terluah...

'Monumen' putih ungu tu pun tak mahu mengalah meraih ingatan...ye, xkan lupe punyela...sebab, ada elemen diri yang tertinggal di sana....elemen yang membawa pada kesungguhan...
"..separuh yang hilang.."= everything i need to move on and leave all those memories there, behind....
I am still reminiscing.....
~sigh~

*susah nak terima perkara baru kalau liat nak lepaskan yg lama2...

Berbezanya rentak antara dua zaman....hmmmmmmm....

**x igt bila kali terakhir berpuas hati dengan hasil kerja sendiri, x ingat bila kali terakhir buat assignment dgn hati berkobar2 nak dapat markah setinggi mungkin...x ingat bila kali terakhir berlumba2 nak siapkan tutorial n compare jawapan dgn org lain...x ingat bila kali terakhir ada semangat waja bangun tengah malam untuk khatamkan buku teks tebal2....(tp xpernah berjaya khatamkan pun).....kenapa semua kesungguhan tu dah xde???
I am terrible....=(

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

this kind of mood, which I am in now is really not suitable for making up a sentence, with sense, I mean...

so many things happened...and I just felt HIS touch...terasa diperhatikan...obviously since June 2010...diuji dgn kehilangan, dan dlm mode kehilangan itu pula terpaksa berdepan dgn satu ketegangan n kekalutan yg buat sy rse mcm nak postpone kehilangan tu...dan kejadian2 lain yg sgt susah utk saya btul2 terima dgn redha...sgt terasa lonely waktu lalui ketegangan n kekalutan tu tanpa.......oooopppsss..dah2...bukan itu main point nye...

scrolling down the page, I read my few old posts n rse terpaku pada tajuk 'mendengar bicaraNYA'...bila tu?? zaman2 kt uitm dulu...tgh kuciwa dgn result final 1st sem..maka terhasillah post itu...tp, kalau skarang ni mau membebel serupa gaya yg dulu tu? ohh, sgt tak mampu rasanya..sebab hati dulu dan kini sangat berbeza...

tak pastilah..sme ad dugaan yg semakin berat atau ruang hati ni yang dah terlalu sempit...ada sje keluh-kesahnye...sampai bilalah mau begini, sri?

skarang pun, masih dlm mode ujian yg agak dahsyat..ujian emosi dgn kejadian hari isnin,around 5 pm...tergamam...betapa xkuatnye sy nak tengok ayah mcm tu...org lain kalut di depan, sy menyepi dlm bilik melayan air mata...itulah, kononnye macho girl...sepanjang ayah di icu pun, xpernah saya berani menjejak wad tu...alasannye, alah dgn suasana hospital..tp mengaku jelah...hati mmg tak keruan tngok ayah yg semakin tak berdaya mcm tu...sy sgt sedar, kalau pun doktor sahkan keadaan ayah stabil, kemungkinan utk kembali macam 7 tahun yg lepas???entahlaa...
hari ni, ayah dipindahkan dr icu ke wad neurosurgeri...dengarnye mcm quite relief sket ble dah xde p'kataan icu tu...tp makin sukar bg sy yg dah xde alasan utk mengelak dr tngok keadaan2 yg bleh buat sy termenung panjang...sy tau air mata sy akan jadi lebih murah lepas ni...=(
waktu2 mcm nilah, terasa aura kekuatan mak tu..subhanallah...

ujian2 ini....mungkin nak menyedarkan..'sri, umur awak tu dah 2o...jgnla wat perangai budak2 lagi..'
but as I know myself, my heart better than u do...rsenye saya sedang dituntut utk sekali lagi, 'mendengar bicaraNya'
dan sekali lagi, entah apa nadanya...

p/s: terima kasih tak terhingga buat kawan2 yg bg moral support..kwn2 di usim, uitm, dll...juga pada yg tanpa disangka2 masih sudi memberikan 'endless support' buat saya yg sesungguhnya amat2 terharu dgn concern dari 'anda'

*betullah...sometimes apa yg dimiliki tu perlu di'hilang'kan sebab DIA nak bg yg lebih baik...=)

Sunday, 10 October 2010

kuat lagi Tuhan kami...=)

rse mcm berat nak percaya cerita2 camni...
tapi buktinya terlalu obvious.
Rupa2nya semua yang berlaku selama ni disebabkan 'itu'.
Kesian kt ktorang sume...uhuk3...
Dah lme sgt benda ni dibiarkan...dah parah..
sampaikan mereka2 yang pakar dah 'sound' kami sbb slame ni buat xtau...
(bukan buat xtau...mmg xtau pun slame ni)

patutla banyak yg susah utk kami semua...rupa2nya...Allah haiiiii.....
dah membarah lme dah benda ni...
satu demi satu 'petanda' yg kami dapat, mulanya xnak percaya..
tp akhirnya semua dah jelas...
ini kekhilafan di zaman silam..
mungkin desakan keadaan...
moga Allah ampunkan mereka semua..amiin...

Jadi, Disember ni cadangnye nak ke Ipoh utk selesaikan masalah berzaman2 ni...
perlu sangat...
kalau tak, hidup terasa dirantai dgn 'sumthing' yg tak baik....

apa pun, kami semua tetap mahu percaya...
sekuat mana pun 'rantai' itu, kuat lagi Tuhan kami...
'kita' yang lain, semuanya cuma makhluk.

mood: sedikit takut+risau+seram+sedih+kecewa+terkejut
p/s: doakan keselamatan kami semua

babbling

I BET THIS IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND...

drowning in the air of dust as we said it's over
when all the sayings were floating in memories
in the same jar we watched the smiles of yesterday
yet the unforgivable hesitation of one's final word
through every moment of walking, playing, pausing together...
uncertainty of yesterday's tomorrow
was the most unavoidable to consider

and the decision was so final but unclear

We judged and misinterpreted
we walked and wished to turn back
but the promises were doing their part very well
so no one is turning back
we keep on lasting the survival
maybe to smile at the peak of hardship

ignoring the urge is hard
enduring the pain is even harder
and forgetting is like no way!

but here and there
we're optimizing both strength and weakness
and reviewing the excellence of yesterday's lesson

*be a better person

Friday, 8 October 2010

sebulan

Sri,
doa tu senjata paling ampuh...
sila asah senjata kamu setajam2nya...
sila rendahkan hati dan mintalah dengan bersungguh2...
walaupun Dia tahu apa yg kamu nak...
tapi sila spesifikkan dgn lebih detail setiap kali kamu menadah tangan atau bersujud...

ada masa lagi SEBULAN

sila fokus untuk impian yg satu ni...
sila F.O.K.U.S...
luruskan hati, luruskan niat...tetapkan matlamat di sebalik peluang yang kamu impikan tu..

tapi...jangan lemah untuk teruskan apa yang kamu sedang lalui..=)

yakin...kamu akan diberi hanya yang terbaik..=)))

*nothing more to do...UNTUK TEMPOH SEBULAN NI...doa sebagai ikhtiar terakhir....berdebar menunggu November~~~

Thursday, 7 October 2010

November...ohh November...

November...ohh November....tolonglah cepat munculkan dirimu...

Oit, sedar diri tak ni? November tu bulan final exam..da habis khatam sume buku ke duk ternanti2 bulan November dtg nih?

Ahhaaa....sengeh2 mcm kerang busuk...

sudah penat menunggu dan mengharap...bila la semuanya akan terjawab..dari ogos sampai ke september...akhirnya sepi tanpa berita....bila cuba dirisik, tetap juga sepi...tak nampak penghujung penantian ini (cewah)...alih2 hari ini ada berita...dimaklumkan bahawa semuanya akan terjawab pada pertengahan November ini...harap bersabar ye sri sazila...semoga yang diharapkan menjadi kenyataan...kalau tak, aduhai....tak nampak dah back up plan yg boleh dilaksanakan bagi mengubat kekecewaan (cewah lagi skali)...ohhh....tingginya harapan...kalau langit tu ada tujuh lapisan, ni dah sampai nak carik lapisan kelapan dah ni....aduiii3....sri, kalau tak jadi nanti naya je....mau nangis guling2...

tp...November??? kenapa lambat sangat???

tak sabar dah ni...sebab...ada azam yang dah dibentuk sekian lama di sebalik tertunainya impian yang satu ni(insyaAllah)....harap2 ada lah rezeki untuk yg satu ni...perkara paling penting buat masa ni...deritanya menunggu Tuhan sajelah yang tahu even mak dah slalu igtkan,
"jgn duk harap sangat, nanti frust menonggeng kalau tak jadi"
hahaa...donga tu kak??

tunggu ye...tunggu...kalau jadi insyaAllah satu transformasi drastik akan berlaku, satu hijrah paling ditunngu, dan ramai yang akan tahu..=)
(dah tak larat nak berahsia...lg2 bila ada yang dah dapat 'bau' n try nak korek cerita)

sri, tolongggglaaa bersabar

p/s: tolongla doakan saya~~~~~~please~please~please~
pesan utk diri sendiri: ringan2kan badan tu buat solat hajat ye...

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

~RASA~

"Tuhan anugerahkan rasa untuk dihayati...tapi ramai yang cuma tau menikmati"

Ermm...penat saya pejam mata lama2 fikir pasal ayat ni...haiyaa....kenapalah kamu suka bg ayat2 falsafah cmni ek? Hampir sebulan buat xtau dgn ayat ni, last2 ombak kt tepi pantai tu desak saya utk bertanya n mintak explanation...(ombak jugak yg salah).

Ok, mari ulang sesi soal jawab itu...

Ada berapa jenis rasa dlm dunia?
~Banyak...manis, masin, pahit...

Yg rasa dgn hati?
~Sayang, rindu, benci, marah, cemburu...

Rasa apa yang best?
~errr...sayang, gembira, tenang...

ish3.....cemburu?? benci?? suka x?
~mestila tak...sakit jiwa...serabut!

Bila yg ada dlm hati tu rasa cinta, sayang, rindu....semua nerve dipaksa bekerja keras untuk 'menikmati' kan? Sampai ada yg duk senyum sorang2 la..itu la..ini la...kan2?
~berkerut dahi...pastu ikut senyum style org angau...hahhaa..

Haaa....tengok tu...dia pun dah kena tempias...tapi kalau benci, cemburu, marah...semua org tak suka kan? Pastu apa yg kita buat dgn rasa tu? Kenapa rasa yg mcm tu wujud? nape kita perlu rasa semua tu??
~errrrr......erk...

Katanya lagi,

"Tak kiralah apa jenis perasaan pun..yg positif ke, negatif ke....tak salah nak dinikmati, tapi perlu jugak dihayati..kalau seronok sgt menikmati tanpa penghayatan, nanti jadila macam orang yg sanggup lakukan apa saja demi cinta(kononnya).. tu yang sampai hilag rasa malu nak duk berdua-duaan, slambe dek men pegang2 tgn dsb...sebab dorang 'kurenggg' menghayati utk apa rasa tu dicipta.....
tapi bila marah mesti rasa macam..'ish nyampahnye, napela nak ad rasa marah ni'
banyak cara nak hayati marah ni...bukan hayati lah...kita guna istilah 'menyelami' sebab hayati tu maksudnya 'hidupkan' nak hidupkan marah??? eiiii...xperlu kot...
nak menyelami rasa marah ni, kena tau dr mana asalnye? kenapa kita marah...n mcm mana nak atasi...perlu tau kenapa sbb dr situ kita tau marah kita tu bertempat atau tak...sama jugak kalau rasa tu positif..contohnya rasa rindu. Kalau asyik sangat dilamun rindu nanti sampai buat kerja semua tak jadi...duk terbayang sana sini..kena tau lah mcm mana nak atasi..ada penawarnya...sri tau kan?"

~heh...senyum lagi...

*mesej simple je kan? tapi xpandai nak cut short post ni...maaflah ambil masa untuk kamu baca...

*dilema hari ini: nak masak apa ek? nak makan ikan..tp housemate request ayam...mane satu ye? hari mcm nak hujan...cmne nak g beli barang kt pasar nih...aduhaiii...

Monday, 20 September 2010

!@#$%^!@#$%^&*

Duduk2 bersama laptop di foyer FST, berhadapan dgn construction site pusat tamhidi usim...nilah kegiatan favourite setiap kali ad gap between classes di kampus ni...makin hari, projek yg dulunya hanya rangka makin kurang 'tulang2' kelulinya yg kelihatan. Makin tinggi...dan 'kegilaan' saya untuk menatap kerja2 pembinaan ni mmg dr dulu xdapek nak nolong...rse macam nak panjat sme kt atas tu. (kempunan).
Tapi ada yg makin lama makin rendah...
Produktiviti diri yg makin lama makin parah. Self-control yg longgar sana-sini. Dinding 'malu' yg makin hari makin nipis...dan hala tuju yang makin kabur...

Bukan ke sy pun ad cita2???
I'm doubting my ability to be one of the 'falihin'.

Cakap2 semalam dgn seorang kawan, kami sampai pd 1 question
"kt mane silapnye?"

cuba utk tenang dgn soalan tu, lepas Isya' sy mula 'menyelak dan membaca'
berpusing2 ayat2 Almukminun dari Allah dlm kepala:

"Successful indeed are the believers.
Those who offer their Salât (prayers) with all solemnity and full submissiveness. And those who turn away from Al-Laghw (dirty, false, evil vain talk, falsehood, and all that Allâh has forbidden). And those who pay the Zakât. And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts). Except from their wives or (slaves) that their right hands possess, - for then, they are free from blame;"

InsyaAllah, I am one of the believers, but can't claim myself as one of the khasyi'un....and still so much unnecessary things done everyday especially those caused by syarhulkalam. Zakat, insyaAllah, alhamdulillah...and the last part...I won't go to that extent.

Conclusion:
Q:Do you possess all criteria listed above?
A: YES and NO

fikirlah sendiri Sri...awak dah besar....

Friday, 17 September 2010

~L.O.V.E~

Seandainya dunia tiada warna
Tetap kan kukagumi
Indah maya alam ciptaanNya
kudratNya kuagungi

Namun jalin warna zahirlah sang pelangi
Menyisih mendung menambat seri
Terbias semua cahaya
Nyata ilham di alam mimpi
Betapa kusyukuri nikmatNya
ku pasti

Begitu kias cinta
hadir menghuni jiwa
menyatu sejuta rasa
kurnia penuh bermakna
tika dalam gelita
atau sepi kembara
dihadirkan rasa cinta sisih segala duka anugerah dariNya

Hanyalah cintaNya yang amat kuharapkan
tiada lain yang jadi rayuan
namun Dia Maha Mengerti
tak mampu insan bersendiri
menempuh dugaan yang menguji naluri

Moga tak diuji asyik cinta duniawi
Mengharap teduh redha Ilahi
kerna segala kurnia
hadirnya hanya pinjaman
sungguh ku syukuri kesempatan bahagia


Sje je nak tulis lirik lagu ni...I'm using it as a therapy sebab akhir2 ni hati terasa kering...
Betullah, cinta tu anugerah tak ternilai=SUBHANALLAH...
bila terangkat anugerah yg satu tu, hidup terasa macam di padang pasir=NA'UDZUBILLAH...

Apa gunanya ada hati tanpa perasaan, apa makna jiwa tanpa cinta...hebatkah insan kalau tak mampu mencintai dan mengasihi keluarga dan teman2 di sekeliling?

Allah, aku rindu untuk merinduiMu
aku rindu untuk mengasihi keranaMu
aku rindu....

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

anger

There are really thingSSs to be unattached from me..I'm becoming so massive these days thinking about all those things...thus feeling so unwillingly being sucked down into craziness.
Hah! mau terkeluar semua bahasa paling kasar...
Aduhai...raya2 ni, bkn ke sy da janji utk relax...baru sje mengadu risau pada seorang kawan tentang hilangnya 'jejak' yg satu tu...bila 'jejak' tu muncul balik, tbe2 je rse mcm nak campak handphone!!

Haishhh...seryesly kali ni mcm tak bertempat plak bengangnye...sabar sri..sabar...
Macam mane plak yg konon2nye 'kebetulan' tu bleh terjadi mlm ni, when it was totally unexpected and unwanted! I've been waiting for long...but it didn't happen the way i hoped. So YOU better don't ever try to make it happen again..please...

YOU, I am very much into something to prove you so many things! This may sounds a bit arrogant but I'm tired of such feeling that you are always very much better than me! Now, I'm saying this,
"YOU AREN'T THAT GOOD"

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

KISAH 5 SEPTEMBER =)

Sebelum mula ape2, senyum dulu comel2...
=) =) =) =)

haa..this is to reveal the happiness inside...

seminggu sblum tarikh ni, saya dah mula angau duk m'bayangkan keseronokan yg bakal dialami pd 5 September tu...event yg sgt ditunggu...iftar jam'ie a.k.a reunion bersama pu3 page16 smakl...

Ini lokasinyer...kt Ampang, sebelah Flamingo Hotel...

wahhh...meriah!



this is something like re-energizing the ukhuwah..bila iftar bukan stakat kembalikan kesegaran kpd yg berpuasa, tp juga 'menyegarkan' tautan antara kami...rasa sangat bahagia dgn pertemuan ini....

Hati kembang berbunga2 sebaik melangkah masuk ke restoran, terus tangkap muka Amira, 1 of my best friends yg da lme sgt sy tak jumpa...

ayu, mekda, dilah n mira...t'ubat rindu pd mereka especially mira yg susah sgt nak nmpak muka sejak duk pnang tu..

Mulanya hanya kami berlima.. lama2 makin gamat restoran tu dengan kehadiran yg lain2....puasla melepas rindu, berpeluk sakan...pastu tinjau2 lg cermin duk tngok sape lg yg dtg pasni....
rahmah! wah3....org Jordan suda sampai...

huhu...da lme x manje2 dgn rahmah....kurus cmtu gak dy nih..=)


tgh makan pun sempat lg jeling2 kt akak camerawoman...mana bleh miss msuk dlm gmba kenangan ni...bkn senang nk jumpa lg reramai cmni...=)


sy dengan pipi tembam yg dorng cakap cengkung mcm org sakit....xpaham sket...

Muka2 bahagia dan kekenyangan...




Terngiang2 lagu sinar kedamaian nyanyian kumpulan Syifa'...cukup sesuai menggambarkan suasana hati2 kami sewaktu berkumpul bersama...Seryesly, ckup utk hilangkan segala beban utk sementara...Terlalu bahagia dengan rabithah yg alhamdulillah, masih kukuh..=)






Antara perkara yg mengharukan, bila tiba2 tgn sy ditarik seseorang dan diam2 dia membuka beg tangan dengan ayatnya,
"Pilih satu"
Saya terpandang ada dua design mini bag dlm handbag tu...sy pun pilih la satu...katanya hadiah dari Syria...terima kasih ye 'saudari' atas ingatan 'saudari' tu....sy suka sgt!

Sebelum terlupa, jutaan terima kasih buat seorang putra page16, Husaini yg bermurah hati sponsor makan2 kami utk iftar@reunion yg sgt bermakna ni...jugak penghargaan kpd cik TqaWani yg all out, mengatur tempat n berusaha kumpulkan kami pd malam itu...juga, buat semua kawan2 yg hadir menggamatkan restoran tu n b'sama2 menjadikan malam tu malam yg sgt indah utk dikenang.....=) semoga ada ganjaran di sisi Allah buat kalian semua..=)

UKHUWAH FILLAH FOREVER!

Monday, 30 August 2010

no title

memang Tuhan Yang Satu tu sangat hebat sifatnye kan?
memang all of HIS plans tu slalu tak mampu nak diteka kan? kan???

Cara DIA menegur pun....subhanallah...halusnya...
'terkena' lg saya hr ni...'terkena', 'terusik' dengan hanya beberapa ayat yang panjangnya 5-6 baris. malu! malu sendiri...

hari ni, makin kuat tekad utk betul2 faham dengan apa yg terjadi..
hari ni, makin faham...dan setakat yg difahami, rupa2nya selama ni...
"ketenangan dinikmati, emosi disentuh, kemanjaan didengari, kelembutan dirasai"
semua ni buat nilai yang sepatutnya tinggi makin rendah dipijak nafsu sendiri!
astaghfirullah.....berat sgt janji untuk tidak mengulang lagi...berat sangat! sebab, bukan mudah...sungguh, bukan mudah...

ini rupanya jawapan pada kesedihan dan kehilangan...sekali lagi DIA selamatkan hambaNya...sekali lagi DIA meninggikan semula harga yang hakikatnya takkan mampu dibayar. sekali lagi, semuanya dengan menghadiahkan kesakitan yg mulanya tak tertanggung, tp kataNya,
"la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha"
jadi bersabarlah....ada baiknya....

"....sebaiknya manusia Kau ciptakan..hinanya angkara diri sendiri..."

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

BORED =(

boringla...igt lg dulu ad kawan pnh tnye..
"sri, nape b4 lecturer dtg, ko suke duk luar kelas sorang2?"

hurm...t'kezut time tu..xsangka habit yg satu tu diperhatikan...ntahla...I admit, mmg kdg2 tu sy cepat bosan dan serabut bila 'beramai-ramai'. xpandai bergaul??? maybe btul gak kot.

jawapan yg sy bg wktu tu,

"ntah...mybe I jz wanna be myself tanpa ad ap2 influence dr org lain"

poyo gile bunyik kan?

but it was true for quite sometimes...and it is now becoming true again...smpai mak ckp sy sombong...(agaknye la kot)
mane taknye...anak dara dy sorng ni tbe2 je suka duk sorng2...unless kalau kakak2 sume blk umah, bile dgn family sy still kepoh lg la...tp dgn org luar...hmmm....nape ntah.

akhir2 ni, sy sendiri pun pelik...ke hulu ke hilir dlm kampus, sy lebih selesa sorang2...sbb, ntahla..bukan sy nak nafikan yg sy perlukan kwn, tp kdg2 sy jd confuse dgn sikap manusia yg terlalu pelbagai...sikap sendiri pun x habis faham lg...haha...slalu je pening2 tnye diri sendiri
"apsal la ak ni..."

satu statement yg pelik tp benar utk diri sy,
"sy rse lebih sunyi bila dlm keramaian berbanding waktu bersndirian"
haha...ap la plak ni sri sazila...

tgh serabut sebenarnye ni...boring tu cpt benar dtgnye kalau kita x sepenuh hati terima sesuatu keadaan..mmg ramai yg cuba 'menegur'(dan menghentam)... tp utk hal ni, sy dah penat paksa diri..dan sy akui sy terlalu ego utk menerima bnyk hal...jd rsenye, drpd sy trus mencacatkan hati sendiri dgn rse xsuka, xbleh trime n even sometimes menyampah, ad baiknya sy cari sesuatu yg lebih buat ht tenang utk menerima...=)
(maaflah ye...ganas sgt bunyiknye ni)

that's it, I'm bored....
boring sungguh sepanjang sy cuba utk 'go with the flow' ni...dah lebih setahun, tp still lg flow nye trsekat2..sometimes i even oppose it..and I don't know how to perform well...sy tau, org cakap, sume ni dugaan...'mereka' memandang ni sbgai satu obstacle utk sy harungi so that sy akan terus ke depan...dugaan...

tp sy memandang ini sebagai kesilapan yg sgt2 perlu utk diperbaiki...lain org lain jalannye, lain 'track' nye...track ini menuju ke garisan penamat yg sy xnak jejak...jd sy perlu cr balik di mana 'track' sy...

oh, dilemma...drpd trus jd LALANG dan terbang ikut angin, I prefer to let myself out of this situation..dah setahun sy cuba, tp hati masih lg x bahagia...but I don't even know if I have the chance utk 'lari' jauh2...

bila dah x suka tu, salah sikit pun ht dah mengomel mcm2..astaghfirullah...ap la nak jd..
makin x best dibuatnya, bila tersedar diri ni dah jauh sgt berubah...

Saturday, 21 August 2010

.....KAWAN.....


*REMOVED*

*sudahla sri......

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

from 17 to 20

Apa dia yg 17 to 20 tu?
Ahha...this is the period of me becoming a blogger. Since I was 17...
n now I am 20...
I'm scrolling down through all posts from the newest to the oldest. Apa yg sy tengok?
Haha..different modes of writing throughout these three years...comparing the latest post and the oldest post, wow! mcm ditulis oleh 2 org yg berbeza. See, how far had I changed? gaya bahasa zmn dulu2 adalah bunyik2 skema sket..almaklumla, at that time I was freshly graduated from KISAS..(hmm,rindu) and most of the KISASians have their own blog. I do admit that somehow I got the influences from them in the aspect of writing style. So, zaman dulu2 tu, kalau bc blog2 kami, mcm lebih kurang sama je gayanya. heheh..
Dulu2, kebanyakan post sy menggunakan bahasa yg sgt ringkas, nampak jelas ke'childish'an nye mcm kanak2 riang je, and straight to the point...lebih berdasakan apa yg sy tau drpd apa yg sy alami. Sebab, dulu sy banyak berkongsi link dgn sahabat2 dr kisas, muslimin dan muslimat. Jd, sy menulis untuk dibaca dan menyampaikan sesuatu. Tp sejak sy tukar url blog dr ilazahiy8890 ke sri8561-ilazaini, kwn2 lme dah xdpt access blog ni...n sy pun xrajin nak hebahkan url baru...segan sbnarnye nak bg dorng bc blog ni. Blog ni pun ntah dah bpe bnyk kali b'tukar status dr public ke private ke public balik.
Now, obviously since I finished my foundation year...mmg blog ni mcm da b'tukar wajah..di akhir usia belasan tahun, banyak ilmu yg diuji..banyak nilai yang hampir nak melayang...jadi apa yg terjadi bukan setakat belajar secara teori, tp dah smpai ke tahap latihan industri, 'practical training'.
Consequently, blog ini akhirnya lebih terisi dgn apa yg sy alami, bukan lg apa yg sy tahu. Negative and positive mode are always fluctuating responding to the 'stimuli' from the surrounding. Hidup, mood, iman, semuanya macam lines of graph. That 'graphical interpretation' is now being my subject of writing. The observations and inferences.
Hurm...
from 17 to 20
how people change
by knowledge we know
through experience we learn
and trials keep us strong

*Ya Allah, panjangkanlah usia kami dalam ketaatan padaMu*

beautiful melody

I'm not really in the mood to write anything but i just wanna share a video, which has been for about 6 months, my favorite video. It is all because of the overwhelming soothing background music. I had actually tried to search for the music online but I haven't manage to do so. All I know is just the fact that it's a sufi music. I don't know the title. So, let's watch (listen actually)

video

nice song. isn't it?

Sunday, 15 August 2010

past n present

I am seriously longing for a moderate and content laughter. Today and just a 'little' years ago is somehow decades-distant. I really miss enjoying the torture designed for me to get what I want. I miss the moment when the hardness could still make me smile...that sense of gratitude 'was' really a super-duper great friend. I miss the moment when I realized what true friends are. But I guess the moment was too short for me.

Past is past...and I know clinging is not what I should do now. But when difficulties arise, I wonder why am I so negatively trying to 'hide' behind those sweet memories..or maybe I'm just letting myself drowned in them to attract the 'past' motivational thoughts to lit up my spirit again, pull me out of the candy-like ocean? I'm not sure if this is possible.

No, I'm not(guess so) and I guess (just a guess) I'm just trying to hunt on the serenity of a gratitude so that I will know how to face everything with maturity.
[It's hard]

Friday, 13 August 2010

'hilang'

Manusia tetap manusia..xde tindakan manusia yang betul2 sempurna...xde kepercayaan manusia yg 100% total! dan xde manusia yg patut dipercayai 100%!

Dengan angkuhnya hari ni saya mengajar diri untuk
JANGAN PERCAYA PADA SESIAPA PUN UNTUK MEMAHAMI SITUASI KITA.
kita pun belum tentu boleh faham situasi org lain kan...

kalau xde keperluan, sri sazila...xpayah la cerita pd sape2 ttg ape2 pun...jgnlah terlalu berharap untuk ada yg sanggup susah senang bersama...kalau awak sedih, belum tentu org akan faham rasa sedih tu...kalau awak kecik ht, mybe org akan pelik.."nape nak kecik ht pulak"
bcoz they don't feel it!

lebih teruk kalau ada yg sanggup manipulate cerita...sungguh sakit jiwa dgn manusia begini...

dan ingat! manusia2 yg OPPORTUNIST dan MANIPULATIVE tu sentiasa ada di kiri dan kanan, depan dan belakang. beware of those kind of people..

and sometimes being alone is good for you, sri! bukan setiap masa kamu perlukan teman,kawan,sahabat,apa2 saja...sbbnye, ask yourself sri...can u still put your trust on anybody???

can u still look at them with love,affection?
can u still sincerely love them from the bottom of your heart?
can u still feel like sacrificing anything for the sake of them?
can u still not looking at them without any prejudices and bad feelings?
can u still feel that their loves are without any conditions?
ANSWERS=YES and NO

can u still feel that there are people to lend you her/his shoulder for you to cry on?
-definitely no! At least, NOT NOW!-

look, sri! u are now not trusting anyone...

dah xde rasa yg hening dan bening pada manusia....=(
rasa sgt2 perlu untuk 'jatuh syg' pada mereka kembali..kalau dlu pun ala2 sparuh ht, xsempat nak whole-heartedly, dah tinggal kurang dr suku ni..
rasa mcm sakit sgt hati ni bila dah xmampu nak betul2 ikhlas menyayangi mereka2 semua...sungguh! xmampu dah..sebab?? sedih sgt dah!
mana perginya rabithah tu? ya Allah....
"adim hubbana ya Allah..."

*2,3 org sahabat yg selalu cuba utk memahami, selalu peluk dan tenangkan sy, pujuk sy, n kembalikan keyakinan sy pd diri sndiri dan org lain berada sgt jauh dr sy....sy sgt rindukan mereka...=(

"Allahumma inni asaluka hubbaka, wa hubba man yuhibbuka"

Sunday, 8 August 2010

:-(

I'm not feeling well

Dada sebak
jantung berdegup laju
kepala berat
mata pedih

sebak...sgt sebak!
mari terima kenyataan..:-)

Saturday, 7 August 2010

WHISPER-the interpretation

Scary~
but this is what I found in my googling session to know about the hidden meaning behind the song, especially the verses towards the ending of the song

WHISPER by Evanescence.

This is the full lyrics.

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
if i will it all away


[Chorus:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away

[Chorus]

Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end

[Chorus x3]
Servatis a periculum.
Servatis a maleficum

...And these are some of the interpretations that I'd came across...

"when Jesus is on the cross, God has to abandon him so that he can take on the sin of the world. Jesus cries out "My God why have you forsaken me?" That's the "speaking to the atmosphere no one's here and I fall into myself" certainly the pain must have been incredible ... etc. When Christ descends into hell, that's the "fallen angels at my feet" etc. Anyway, if you think about it this way, it's a very humanizing way to think about how Jesus must have felt, with pain and fear."

And the Latin part:
Servatis a periculum.
Servatis a maleficum.

which means:
"save yourself from danger, save yourself from evil"

Urghh...sungguh scary...lagu yg sy suka ni rupa2nya cerita psl Jesus...n of coz bukan dr persepsi Muslim.

Langkah selamat: dengar lagu melayu jela lepas ni....:-(

Thursday, 5 August 2010

DIA

Dia yg sgt sy kagumi dan cemburui selama ni...for almost everything

...semangatnya...
...ilmunya...
...sikapnya...
...kematangannya...
...pemikirannya...
...pengalamannya...
...keberaniannya...
...kebolehannya...

...dan hari ni sy terkedu dan hampir menangis bila menyedari yg dia juga pernah dibebani rasa yg terlalu berat, yg sgt sama dgn apa yg sy rasa pada dia.

Kadang2 pernah sy bertanya pd diri sendiri..."kenapalah sy 'ter'kenal dgn dia?"
Why did he introduced her to me? Sy sgt xsangka, perkenalan yg sgt tak proper itu rupa2nya smpai terbawa-bawa ke dlm mimpi.

Dulu pernah ada satu harapan yg terpaksa sy lupakan, sy campak jauh2 bila terdengar namanya buat kali pertama. Dari situ pun sy dah dapat rasa aura kehebatan pemilik nama tu. And somehow, suddenly....someone tells me many things about her. I felt totally down even though that someone kept comforting me throughout those old days.

Saya dan dia, pernah dapat +ve compliments dari orang yg sama. Kami pernah di'samatarafkan' dan itu buat sy terfikir "apa yg org nampak dlm diri sy smpai nak disamakan dgn dia yg dnga2nye sgt hebat tu?"
Xtaulah...whether pemberi compliments itu menipu atau dia sebenarnya sgt xpandai menilai. Sy semakin mengenali orang yg 'disamakan' dgn saya tu, tanpa pengetahuan org yg memperkenalkan kami. Senyap2, curi2, sy 'menjelajah' pemikirannya setiap kali berkesempatan.

Dan...subhanallah...sy diuji dengan perasaan yg tak tertanggung. Betapa insan ini yang dikatakan 'biasa2 sje', ad yg samakan saya dgn dia?? sungguh kurang waras.

"Ya Allah, kalau compliments itu sekadar nak menjaga hati(atau memancing), khabarkan pada mereka bhw aku tak perlukan pujian sehebat itu..walaupun belum sempurna tawadhu'ku, aku sedar kekurangan2 diri, terutamanya yg 'relative' kepada diri yg satu itu.."

Dlm diam sy mengagumi, dari jauh saya cemburui...tp sy cuba memujuk hati, dia juga manusia biasa...pasti ada kekurangan yg belum terzahir. Di sebalik penerimaannya yg sentiasa positif pd hampir semua yg berlaku, rupa2nya dia juga pernah memijak lembah yg terlalu dalam sambil memandang langit yg terlalu tinggi untuk dicapai. Dan dia juga pernah menangis kerana itu.

Cuma, solusi kami terlalu berbeza...

~plans~

Hari ni dah 5 ogos...hari yg sy tunggu sejak 2,3 hr kebelakangan ni...tp tbe2 excitement tu dah xde gara2 'gangguan' yg bertalu-talu malam tadi. Sedih pulak bila terpaksa anggap semua tu gangguan, tp maaflah kpd yg berkenaan...sy xmampu...sy xde mood..

10 stgh malam ni, ada something remarkable yg akan berlaku tapi bukan di depan mata saya. Takpela, sy doakn dari jauh, moga semuanya selamat dan dipermudahkan...maaf jugak kpd yg berkenaan, sy xdpt terlibat secara langsung.

Esok, kakak ajak join qiyam kt bank negara...dnga cite mcm kak mimi n kak ima ikut sme...jeles la plak...tp esok kelas smpai petang, kalau terus ke bank negara mestila penat..xsempat rehat n then kena bangun kul 3 pg plak..tambah2 malam tu dnga2nye ad ceramah perdana...adoii..napela buat hr jumaat..tp, kalau2la esok kelas smpai tghr je(mcm impossible) insyaAllah sy join..hehe...
(hai la manusia...mcm2 alasan...lemah sungguh..)

Sabtu, ada jemputan(bukan kenduri kawen ye)...tp sy serba salah nak pegi...sebab masih teringat jemputan yg lepas, bila ada yg salah sangka dgn niat sy...sebagai kawan, sy nak ikut meraikan tp nmpaknya banyak hati yg blum faham sesuatu..dan hati2 yg blum faham tu perlu sy jaga...(rsenye yg menjemput pun xterlalu mengharapkan kehadiran sy sebab dah maklum dgn situasi ni)

Ahad....yeah!! the most exciting part of this week...tak sabar rsenye nak jumpa kwn2 lame kt atas bukit menjalara tuh....aduhaii...rindu tak terkata. Yg ini, insyaAllah MESTI pegi! hehe....
dan...oooopppsssss!!! lupa plak....hr ahad tu bpe haribulan yek?

*ada sesuatu yg sy tunggu untuk berlaku pd hari lahir tahun ni..(yeke nak tunggu??)
xtaulah...sy dah hampir neutral...kalau tak berlaku pun, maksudnya smpai situ jela harapan yg ada...kalau jadi, berdebar jugak membayangkan apelah reaksi sy nanti...be wise ye sri sazila...jgn sampai ad yg merajuk pulak...*

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

~encik hati tersayang~

Entry kali ni macam tak jelas hala tujunya...maaflah kpd sesiapa yg pening membaca...:-)

*1st part*


Tak suka bila jadi mcm ni...
sibuk2 pulak hati ni nak terasa sana sini...mengade btul.
Now, sy menulis di foyer fst and i'm here all alone..sbb hr ni xde mood nak berkawan.
Malas mau layan hati yg ngade2 ni..asyik nak terasa je kejenya.

Takpela...dia xsedar kot apa yang dia buat...xkanla dia sje2 je nak wat sy terasa kan?
Tapi sedih la gak...slalu g mane2 sme2...tp hr ni, kaluar kelas pun langsung tak toleh belakang kt sy...jalan terus je dgn kawan lain. Pg kelas pun xtunggu,jalan dgn org lain...xcakap pun nak gerak...hurmm...dia bad mood kot...biar la..

SRI! jgn sensitif sgt boleh x??? cuba faham org lain plak. (tp fahamla sy jgak...)-ngade!

*2nd part*

Rindu datang lagi (cewah), but I can never tell, apa sebenarnya yg menjadi subjek untuk rindu kali ni. Bukan orang, bukan tempat....tp apa ek?
Pada something yg xnampak tp boleh rasa...boleh dinikmati...

It's a package, once you think about it, u'll miss so many other things.

Inilah yg menjadi wayang dlm layar fikiran sebelum tidur malam tadi.
Rindu ini harus ada solusinya...(Ramadhan nak datang dah)

Apa realisasi kepada solusi tu?

Back to the future? this is not a fiction ok?

Tapi rindu yang satu ni memang terlalu dahsyat kalau sekali dah melanda....
mau mencurah-curah air mata...

rindu ape ni????

xtau...not sure..but i have the idea...

rindu pada satu perasaan, naluri, kesedaran, penghayatan, kehampiran, kelunakan, kepatuhan, kerinduan, kecintaan, kelembutan, ketenangan....

ketenangan???

something like that.

hati oh hati....sungguh haru biru!

***********************************

inilah ragam pendamping yang paling setia ini...encik hati tersayang...yg kdg2 tu suka sgt nak bertelagah dgn cik akal.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

inaudible voice.

the ONE i heard mostly when i'm in trouble
the ONE i heard when i refuse to listen
the ONE i heard when i try to listen to others.

the ONE that tells me why i become so exhausted these days
the ONE that tells me what to tell
the ONE who speaks like I'd never listened to any, before...
the ONE that makes me rise when i'm at the bottom
the ONE who makes me fall for the only reason i would never regret.

the ONE....and the ONLY ONE...

*hint:SATU tak terbilang*

Sunday, 1 August 2010

orang luar

She came across this,
"orang luar"

not knowing who is that..

and I was somehow speechless to know
that she was very well aware of it...

ohhh...haha..that "orang luar" is no longer willing to be ur subject, Mdm....

but I couldn't say a word...to deny, to agree, to confess anything....
because I'm certainly not sure what is happening...
~puzzled~

COUNTING DAYS

I don't like this feeling. Obviously I don't manage to get rid of this hopeful countdown. Erm,, I'm just waiting for a day and a date which will surely be a special event every year. But for this year, it will be even more thrilling, special!

Well, I thought this was over when someone called me just few days ago. The caller didn't say anything for the first few minutes. We hung up on phone for quite a long time but suddenly at the end, the caller said, "sorry, I got a wrong number"

and I was speechless to hear the voice...sooooo familiar! Was it a lie or was it some kind of eagerness to believe something to turn real from my hopes???

I hate having this hope....

STOP THAT!!

...but the countdown part will be continuously killing my rationality...:-)

Sunday, 25 July 2010

~sun-ray-on-sunny-sunday~

I closed my eyes last night in darkness...

and today I wake up
witnessing the beautiful early stripes of light from the sun
on this sunny Sunday
For a moment I'm glad as I do feel like thanking HIM for this another one day for me

hmm...pretty blessed..still thinking about the Prime Merlinean??
well, it's so unexpected to watch some humor scenes in The Sorcerer's Apprentice...but I did enjoyed it.

And today I wake up normally, (thankful for not having any inordinate changes)
so I glare thoughtlessly at the window...
and the thoughtless mind suddenly filled with these reminders:
1)new materials
2)lab presentation
3)e&m pre-thesis
4)bla...bla...bla...

okay, this is to prove that i am an ordinary human...so human...
so this sunny Sunday will be spent indoors, better said in front of this laptop screen....again...
(what is it too special about sunny day in Malaysia anyway?)

definitely no outing...no bowling...no shopping...
(the cooking part will be cut into short as well...)
at least I'd enjoyed one movie last night...so that should be enough for this weekend.

Let's finish the tasks....
assignments...bla...bla..bla...

Sri, please stop with the bla,bla,bla things....stop babbling, keep your gratitude...say thanks to lecturers for these educational stuffs.

~sunny Sunday....urghhh~

Saturday, 24 July 2010

-'her' dilemma-

I guess she would never understand the aching rhythm of the empty hole...


Hurm...it was a blissful night with tranquil breeze of fragrant fresh air and the sky were so bright with moonlight and the dazzling stars. She sat there in front of the source of one's thought which was verbally delivered.


She was totally there for the first few moments, listening and focusing as the beauty of the knowledge and thoughts ascertained her about the truth of the most alienated way of life, as the soft voice convinced her about having the most wanted ending...


...and she was so thankful for having the chance to feel the smooth comforting touch on the cracked edges of her empty hole...again...beautiful!


But suddenly she felt the urgency to make others feel the touch
She felt the hopeful desire to reach one's heart with that similar touch
She lifted her eyes like she was searching for one bright face..

which was not there...

and she didn't have enough caurage to even dream about having that one soul for her to reach again...~sigh~

And there she stood, staring at the night sky...and started the loudest inaudible cry of disappointment... and gratitude...

"I know this is wonderful enough...for my heart is again dewed with the sense of worshiping from the very deep core of me...for my mind is trying hardly to follow the path shown..."

but couldn't she just have that one's hand so that she would easily know how that one's soul is doing?

couldn't she just beg for the companion?

couldn't she just try to pull that someone's hand out of those deceiving and blinding bright rays?

she desperately wanted to be safe...but she couldn't stand leaving that one soul unsafe...and that'll be too risky for her...

and she really had to move on...

despite the reluctance to let go of that one last thought.....

"Ya Allahal Hafiiz, Ya Muhaimin, Ya Muqallibal quluub....."

"Hanya padaMu selayaknya segala urusan itu diserahkan...iringilah pemeliharaanMu ke atas urusan2 yang tak mampu kami sempurnakan...takdirkanlah kesudahan yang terbaik bagi kami......."

....................................silence.......................

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Meyer's THE HOST

"Our world has been invaded by an unseen enemy. Humans become hosts for these invaders, their minds taken over while their bodies remain intact and continue their lives apparently unchanged. Most of humanity has succumbed.

When Melanie, one of the few remaining "wild" humans, is captured, she is certain it is her end. Wanderer, the invading "soul" who has been given Melanie's body, was warned about the challenges of living inside a human: the overwhelming emotions, the glut of senses, the too-vivid memories. But there was one difficulty Wanderer didn't expect: the former tenant of her body refusing to relinquish possession of her mind.

When outside forces make Wanderer and Melanie unwilling allies, they set off on a dangerous and uncertain search for the man they both love."


...and I'm counting days to let myself drowned in somewhat the absurdity of an imagination....

Saturday, 17 July 2010

~read~crazy~

Tau tak how much pleasure I gain by reading???
hahha...sungguh skema bunyiknye...but reading does help a lot in some not-so-good conditions.

Oh, it's either one...in my case
reading as an escapism from emptiness or emptiness gives me space to read.

Lately I am somehow so intense with fictions...mcm budak2 yg baru nak kenal novel...glancing years back when I was in my lower-secondary, reading 'was' my passion. And suddenly, somehow, i was..urm..kinda distracted with the overwhelming excitement of....hurm...something new in my life...

and that 'new' thing is over...so it left me confused, immobilized by the sorrow...really, it was that terrible! but i'm now super-duper fine!
and the good thing is, I started to seek for any passion that I used to have before...and 'reading' is the answer.

Surprisingly, all the book-authors are successfully helping me in creating a world of imagination...leaving all the useless thoughts outside the book covers..the thoughts of drowning any deeper in sadness...stop it!
By reading, I start to notice so many parts of life I'd never imagined...as well as parts that I'd forgotten for a long time. Urm...that's pretty.. it's time to get some light fun to make me feel buoyant...

And I'm now so childishly driven away by the words of descriptions and comparisons in my reading...that it leads to a wanted ignorance about so many things....(^_-)

Sunday, 4 July 2010

TAGGED BY SHOU

Ok2...this is my 1st post about tag-mengetag ni coz b4 thiS blog ini amat2lah tertutup...
1st of all...sory sgt2 kt shida coz lmbt sgt respond...da lme sgt xon9..

Ok, this is the topic,
CERITA 7 BENDA PASAL DIRI AWAK

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahimm....let's begin!

1) Sri Sazila-anak bongsu dr 7 adik-bradik, so xleh nak lari la kalo org ckp sy manja but at the same time...sri sazila ni garang gak org nye...hehe...

2) umur nak masuk 20thn dah (insyaAllah muda lg kot..) stakat ni xbnyk sgt la skill yg ad...masak pun reti sket2 jek..menjahit lngsung la tak..nk mengemas??boleh tp mmg bertahun la nk siap...kesimpulannye,sy amatlah slow dlm kebanyakan keje..

3)keras kepala..keras hati..kuat melawan...these are my nature..but sumtimes reaksi2 memprotes tu stakat terbuku dlm hati je..coz kdg2 tu ad gak la bisikan2 yg agak matang n sruh sy bersabar...

4)SANGAT KUAT CEMBURU...haa!! gilo x?? seryesly this is what i'm trying to avoid..

5)Pssttt...yg ni kene ckp slow2...sy KUAT MENANGIS...dpn org suka blagak macho n wat muka tabah tp rupa2nya bleh dicalonkan sbgai RATU AIR MATA di bawah bantal! Hmm, well said, woman's silence is their loudest cry...hahha..

6) Possess a fluctuating self-confidence. I can be so will-driven at times but normally I'm too timid to make an action. Always need a person to convince me about doing this and that. Easily demotivated when there's nobody around to push me ahead.

7) erm...ap lg yek?sensitif??? biasala tu for a woman to be kan?

I'd finished the task...time kasih kt shida coz igt kt kwn lamamu ini..hehe..
then it's my turn la kn to tag other ppl...rite?

Okay, here u are...insan2 terpilih:
1) cik jauha amira-the most talkative lawyer to be..
2) miss 'weeeeed'-the hottest diva
3) hunny adda-ikon PDRM alias bakal KPN..hehhe..

Sunday, 13 June 2010

LEAVE SOMETHING FOR ME

GO....
but leave something for me to live with..
leave something for me to know that I'm still alive...
leave something for me to believe that I'm noT at the bottom...

leave something for me to trust myself...
leave something for me to live happily again...
leave something for me to feel it again in future...
leave them for me...

and you may GO..
don't make me fall again..

~REMBULAN TENGGELAM DI WAJAHMU~

dah lme rsenye xjumpa novel yg bleh buat sy ralit dan trus lupa pada isu2 peribadi yg tidak menyenangkan...
alhamdulillah..
novel yg sy main sambar je kt mph sbb smntara tgu farah smpai ke mid valley jumaat lepas rupa2nya sgt mengujakan!
i'm going to finish it tonight!

*Allah..bantu hambaMu ini utk memandang semua yang berlaku sebagai sebab dan akibat...bantu aku mencari hikmahMu...bantu aku untuk terus bermanis tingkah dlm ibadahku...bantu aku untuk terus mengagumi kasihMu,bicaraMu...bantu aku untuk terus akur pada ketentuanMu...
Allah.......
hambaMu sedang tenat~~
Allahumma inni a'udzubika minal hammi wal hazan.....

~rembulan tenggelam di wajahmu~
i'm keen to say something more about it but not now...hmm...

~rembulan tenggelam di wajahmu~

Sunday, 30 May 2010

3 colours...the DIARY

2003: dreams, azan..

2004: illness, competition, Dewan Perdana Felda

2005: the friendship! emails, poems...inspiration

2006: -journals, the comeback, the groups
-white, dehydration, of kicks and punches
-all in white! of GOLD and GLORY!!! the rings, sujud, the ice, medals, poses...smiles..:-)

March 2007: white and green, long hair, coconut tree, school, award, hall, stage

August 2008: 1234,70..the towers, lab, jeans, birthday wish n song, advice, sofa, waters, threads, jacket

Nov 2008: MUET, the help

Jan 2009: the fight!

March 2009: stairs, MILO, office, lead

April 2009: EVERYTHING! apology and forgiveness, stairs, office, burgers, bubble tea, books, and the farewell...

August 2009: -library, books, plates
-the phone call, the flight

October 2009: the ONE MONTH

Nov 2009: green shirt, fruit stall, blur, hidden, highway..

Dec 2009: the invitation, the feast, the event, the cooks, of black and white, punching bag, pillow

Jan-May 2009: !@#$%^&*(>>>>>>>>>>........;'[],./<>!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@@#$%^&&^%$#$%^?;"[]**************

SHUT UP!

Get out of my way please...
kalo cite bnde btul pun bkn nk dnga..
x habis2 nak kuar ayat2 spekulasi tu...
So, kalo xnak tau cite sbnar, i don't need ur help to spread any news okeh?
Hello, I still have my pride...xyah nak serang buat cite xbtul dpn org...
MALU TAU TAK??!!!

You thought something had happened when it was actually nothing and I was so confused with your thoughts...so I told myself, maybe it was 'really' something. But it wasn't..really, it wasn't. You spread your wrong thoughts and I was too confused to deny them then I just kept my mouth shut!
Look, u never asked me...u never allow any of my explanations to clarify anything!

u aaa...mulut manyak JAHAT tau x????

Come on, this matter is not only about myself. You brought someone else into this and both of us were madly confused! Poor him...poor me!

You young lady! Xyah la sibuk hal org lagi!

And when both of us decided not to let any of your thoughts become 'real', there u are young lady, irritating..annoying...

Since the very first time I tried to go against your thoughts, what did u say?
"eleh..blah la..xnak ngaku lak"
"poyo..poyo.."

look how much you are distracting me young lady!

Nothing much that I wanna ask...just pleassseee....SHUT UP!!!

Friday, 28 May 2010

I'll live MY LIFE

People somehow know about the sadness
They sometimes see me crying
They thought I'm weak..Maybe I am...
But the weakness guides me to reach a strong will of living my life.

I'll live it my way...I'll take it as a lesson...
I know I've tried my best to make it special and beneficial...
I've tried my best not to make it something just for fun...
And I've reached the point where there was nothing else I can do except to give myself a way out!
And I'm walking out straight...
(relief)

It's ok...it was nobody's fault...
But there's just no way to go further...
And the differences, distance...they matter.
I can't simply do everything others did.
I'm just myself...not someone else...
So I'm giving up...because somehow I realize.
It demands me to change!

So let us just give it a stop!

I have Allah
I have my family...
...and I'll live my life...I'll live it my way...

Saturday, 24 April 2010

LET ME DO THE MISTAKES!

I don't wanna be a super-duper perfect girl.

Let me take risks
let me do the mistakes
Don't come to me and be so sarcastic..IRRITATING+ANNOYING
Let me learn from my own actions
Don't ask me to leave it drastically
But understand me for doing it
Remember that you'd been once in my situation
YOU DID JUST THE SAME THING
So don't look down!
Don't make me feel so TERRIBLE
Don't UNDERESTIMATE! Pleasee...don't! You annoyed me as you were once even worse!
Help me to get out of this by knowing what pulled me inside.
Punishment doesn't come before judgment...so don't come to the 2nd part if you'd never done the 1st part...but I don't even think that you are the right one to judge.
Don't give me that insulting look.
And...WATCH YOUR MOUTH! SHUT IT UP!!
You don't know me...You just don't know me...
You were never with me from the beginning..you left me alone when it bumped me...
and now..here you are...spreading bad words.
DO NOT GET ANY CLOSER TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THE WRONG THINGS IF YOU DON'T REALLY INTEND TO FIX IT..

Oh young lady...I want your advice...not your harsh words!

*Saya sgt sensitif dgn org yg terlalu cepat menghukum..Kalaulah ini yg dinamakan tanggungjawab, kenapa selama ni tak pernah bertanya tentang ap yg benar2 terjadi. You never asked..You jump into your own conclusion. Dalam mahkamah pun pesalah tetap diberi peluang untuk bersuara...

Thursday, 22 April 2010

CHILL~~ :-) ^_^

Is Sri Sazila ok tonight?

Sudah3...let it go Sri..it's a very long time for me to figure out what i really want about this..let's be a good friend to each other..I know very well that I'm too timid to go further into this matter. Sometimes I want it so much but I really2 don't have the gut. I cried a little bit while explaining just now..I realized how much pain was there when I tried to go against my desire. Though, it wasn't a clear explanation. I was still...erm..hiding something.

Well, exceeding one year...don't expect that I feel nothing. For almost two years we're like magnets! It was, so hard to let go off each other...and I'm always afraid to make a single step closer but somehow it happened! YOU made it! Is it something to regret??
Hmm...ntah...sometimes i feel blessed with it. For me having a friend who always care. Hurm..thanks! But sometimes it hurts kan? Because, i want it but i don't..complicated huh?

I just don't really feel like keeping it going...let me list down the reasons:

1) Simply because it's against what I'm trying to stick with
2) Well, someone else is better 4 this(i hope intuition isn't this strong..but the clues are obvious!)
3) I don't know for how long it will last..
4) Urm..wanna stop myself from drowning..deeper and deeper..
5) We haven't know our goals clearly
6) Need to stabilize other aspects of life..study, study, study...bla..bla..bla...
7) I'm afraid if this is just for us to have fun w/o thinking about responsibilities...
....
....
.... CONCLUSION: NOT READY

So, chill~~
I'm still young.
Sorry for hiding it too long but i jz don't get the point of telling u this...

Allah knows better...let us obey HIS decision for all of us, okeh?

seronok ketawa mendengar 'cerita' ptg td...nasib baik cuma dlm fon..kalau face to face, rsenye mmg akan sgt obvious yg ketawa tu sgt3 plastik! and the smiles were sooo FAKE!
but i'm now ok...:-)

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

BELAJARLAH...

Well, urm...is it final exam sickness?
No, I'm not going to write about anything related to final exam but this is more into life lessons.

Somehow I realize that I'm gonna be a 20 y.o...erm..lady ke, girl ke...but not yet woman kan?
mcm xbest je dnga coz da ad 'puluh' tu kn...
Glancing back to all the difficulties and experiences i've been through all this while, I started to have a thought of appreciating everything in life. Hurm, betapa indah n cantik aturan Tuhan untuk saya selama ini..yg pd akhirnya, sy mmpu utk belajar bnyk perkara baru. Apa yg terlalu ketara, lesson yg sy dpt melalui kesakitan selalunya jauh lebih mempengaruhi hidup saya. Org cakap, mahukan sesuatu msti ad pengorbanan kan? Barulah terasa berharga ap yg kita dapat tu...Mcm tu jgk dgn menuntut ilmu..:-)

HAKIKAT...
hidup ni sentiasa ad pasang surut, jatuh bangun, atas dan bawah...it balancing each other. But sometimes, berada di atas tu tak semestinya kita selesa...manusia...kdg2 xmmpu nak tepis bisikan syaitan. Pengalaman menjadi mangsa kedengkian manusia, buat sy lbh b'hati2 setiap kali nak melangkah utk 'naik' ke atas...bnyk hati yg perlu dijaga. Walaupun sgtla mustahil nak puaskn ht semua org, sekurang2nya, a little bit of consideration buat mereka yg ad di bawah menunjukkan kita dah ad effort, bkn sekadar utk 'naikkan' diri sndiri tp jg utk m'jd kawan(or maybe lawan) yg baik...dan bila kita berada di bawah, barulah kita faham perasaan mereka yg pernah dengki dgn kita...(tp jgnla nak dengki kt diorng balik)

Rezeki masing2....terima sajalah..
Allah tu kan Maha Adil?

Sometimes they said:
"Sri, ko ni jenis yg takut sgt nak rse nikmat hidup"
Hurm...betul la agaknye tu kot...
Sy ad sebab utk takut....sbbnye, nikmat hidup yg sy nmpak di depan mata ni kebanyakannya cuma 'PLASTIK'....terrrlalu banyak impurities...So, I decided not to 'menikmati' tp cukuplah sekadar 'menghargai'
*kita xtau lg untuk berapa lme sesuatu nikmat tu akan kekal b'sama kita*
sumtimes pelik gak..even when i'm happy pun, sy tkt nak ketawa terlalu 'lepas'. Takut kalau happiness tu sekadar dtg utk buat sy hanyut..dan sy terlalu takut kalau ad yg dengki.

So don't ask knp sy xnak keluar dgn lelaki...xkiralah mcm mana 'gila' skali pun i am into him...coz sumtimes i do realize that it's not sumthng really pure. It's an illness. Kdg2 itu cuma alat syaitan utk haru birukan ht kita. So, jgnla bg muka sgt kt ht sndiri...
Dalam banyak hal, sy bukan org yg kuat. Tp dlm hal ini, rsenye kekuatan tu still ad lg sisanya. So let me go into the battle with this leftover strength. Selagi ad daya...

Kalau ad kwn2 yg bc post ni, jgn ditanya lg knp sy xmau take thing easily mcm org lain. Atleast i know 4 this one thing sy still ada prinsip. Biarkan sy sakit tanggung rindu. Itu lebih baik drpd sy raikan every single desire in my heart yg kdg2 tu buat sy t'pkse langgar syariat Allah. Dah cukup bnyk dosa sy sblum ni.. jd jgn b'sorak bila tngok sy mahu pergi semakin jauh beyond my limitation as a muslimah!

Ap pun, sy akan trus b'doa utk 'kawan' yg seorang tu...sy rela jalan kami disatukan kalau mmg matlamat akhir hidup kami SAMA. Tp persamaan tu msh kurang jelas. Sy rela berkongsi kekuatan kalau kami mmg sama2 mahu fight 4 the eternal happiness. Tp sy blum nmpak willingness utk sama2 hdup dgn cara n jalan yg sama...dan BETUL.
Kedegilan utk hdup 'ceria' dgn mcm2 jenis dosa masih ada dlm diri saya dan dia. Jd....tawakkal..itu je solution yg ada..

Jaga diri, jg nama baik agama n keluarga. Sy sedar status diri sbagai lepasan KOLEJ ISLAM SULTAN ALAM SHAH. So, kalau bkn sy yg nak bertegas dgn diri sndiri dlm soal ini, siapa lg??? Selama ni pun rsenye sy bukan x-kisas yg baik. Jd ap slhnya kali ni sy cuba jd baik?? Atleast i'm trying..Xpyhla nak ikut sgt dgn trend dunia zaman skarang ni. We're all very well aware of the Zionisme and all of the plans made to destroy our spiritual strength. So, watch out!
Allah dah tetapkan nilai seorang wanita itu pada tahap yg tinggi. Jd knp nak turunkan harga??

"SRI SAZILA AHMAD ZAINI, kamu dilahirkan dengan kekuasaan Allah atas dasar cinta...kamu didewasakan dgn pengawasan Allah atas kasih sayang dan cinta dari org tuamu..."

Jadi jgnlah berpaling dari Allah
Jgn jd perosak 'CINTA'

Belajarlah...semua pengalaman walaupun pahit..itu semuanya anugerah untuk terus BELAJAR.
...BELAJARLAH...