Thursday, 10 December 2009

happy for everyone...;-)

Cool! Spending my time with this notebook...bru sje melayang ke mesir dan jordan n also around malaysia...

bnyknye kaba gmbira dr seluruh dunia...

~smile~

...esok...(hr ni kot) my friends at uitm will be busy checking their results...I bet there would be good news from them as I believe that they did well during the exam...

...Just fascinated dgn blog kak husna...seems blessed with her newborn baby...hibriyah is a charming, beautiful baby...tahniah2..smoga terubat luka atas kehilangan huraiyah...
-kagum dgn smangat kak husna, she's just 20...m'jd zaujah dlm usia yg sgt muda(19) n diuji dgn kehilangan 1st baby...n now HE's bestowing her with a cute little princess...(jeles plak...hehe..)

...kaba dari alex:
well, dnga2 ad org nak wat world tour? sronoknye cik adik sorang ni...

...bridegroom to be tgh gelisah...nrvous la tu...haha...

...ad org di m'sia tgh hepi wat fmly reunion...

...n plg x disangka....mcm ade jejak kasih yg akn terjadi xlme lg...ni, good news ke x...xtaula...

*fresh mode mlm ni...
'tenang...........'
smpai sume incoming call xdilayan....

just leave me all alone 4 now...
"tired when people are expecting more than what i could give...jz don't wait..i'm not promising anything"

Monday, 7 December 2009

'holiday' at usim...

I don't think I'll have much to say but it had just been a very long time since the last time I logged into my Google account and of coz this blog. So, hmm...what to say ya?

Well, six days of enjoying the LSP2 (I still got 2 more days to go), I wonder if it would really help me improving my language skills...both arabic and english. When I started to have a look on the ALSP module, I whispered to myself, "I've learned this before..."

.....but I still got stuck sometimes in class...hehe...(alamak!)

Hurm, I think it's not only the language lessons that make me enjoy the program so much but the whole perfect experiences that I'm having with friends, mostly my classmates during the CBA. At least we have something to do in the middle of a long break. Plus, the CBAs are so exciting with few hilarious characters circumstancing me...haha...
...jokes...teasing each other and o yeah....me again...?? being 'the victim' of 'something'??
blushed!!
-quiet chuckle-
hikhikhik...
but I just enjoy the 'entertainment'...At least, it helps me a lot in forgetting about something really bad.....
~relief~
....alhamdulillah....

Despite the very long morning queues every day, waiting for buses to fetch and send us to our beloved desert-like campus (ahaha...), afternoon queues at cafeterias, what else??
...queues are everywhere...
alhamdulillah, He's still blessing me with this gratitude...

2 more days for ELSP with our single-like madame, Pn Zubaidah...*wink*
together with friends for few more activities, movie reviews....debate??
Hah...I don't really feel like debating, refuting...what so eva!
but I still need to do some research on my topic la...
and I believe that this may be beneficial one day.....
~smile~

*Wish to enjoy the time spent for everything. In my prayers,
"Ya Allah! lapangkanlah ht ini utk menerima seadanya dan belajar dari semua yang pernah terjadi, kukuhkanlah benteng hati ini dgn redha dan azam yang jitu, jauhkanlah hati ini dari kebencian yang memusnahkan....semoga dgn adanya apa yang aku miliki hari ini, membuat aku lebih mudah untuk mendekatiMu....Tuhan...
hassin nafsi bilkhluqil hasanah, wassidqi walfutuwwah...wa zaiyin qalbi bilkhusyu'i wal haya' walmahabbah....was-syauqi...ilaika Ya Allah....amin..."
(perbaiki diriku dgn akhlaq yg baik, kebenaran dan keberanian..dan hiasilah hatiku dgn khusyu', sifat malu...cinta dan rindu padaMu...)


-listening to 'Ana abdu', an arabic song by an unknown singer...-

Thursday, 5 November 2009

~I feel good~

I'm feeling good today after going through three sleepless nights. I don't know why I let myself drowned in worry and sadness for these few days. I seek for advices from friends but it's hard to totally tell them about what had happened. Surely, they would say..

"take it easy la Sri...bnde kecik je pun..."

Raudhah said:
"We're just 19....so, chill out..."
"You just need o change the way you view the world..."
Thanks for the advice Ms Oda...

At first, I was uncertain about my ability to face this. But realities are brought to us for reasons. How should we know ya? But I'm just afraid of losing...I'm afraid of falling again...

Then suddenly this comes to my mind:

"I'm frightened by what I see...
but somehow I know that there's much more to come...
Immobalized by my fear...
and soon to be blinded dy tears

~I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away~

Don't turn away
don't give in to the pain
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name
Don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
Don't turn out the light
Never sleep never die...."


Come on la Sri...
just face it, ok?

Instead of feeling like killing people, I suddenly recover my emotion by simply performing solat and reciting Quran...

~relief~

Don't know la how life would be without Al-Quran and thinking about HIM...

=Subhanallah...Alhamdulillah~

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

my role

I feel like I can do nothing good about this.
If only the person know that I never stop mentioning (his/her) name in my prayer. I was uncertain when I thought about how on earth can I be a good friend. In this kind of situation(ours)...i know that it's too risky, so difficult...but I just did it. Trying so hard to help, to guide...(erk..)and it hurts a lot to realize that, so often...the efforts are useless!

Keep on trying...I never want to say these words
"mungkin bkn rzki sy utk melunakkan ht awk dgn janji2 Allah..."
this is so painful.
only after listening to those words, I realized that I'm losing something precious...

keras sgt ht wk2 tu smpai manusia plg tabah pun pts asa...pas2 sedih...
haha...

And now, it's my turn to play a significant role in someone's life...

I keep on praying that I'll never give up in doing good things for this person..coz I've been focusing my thought on this person till I can no longer accept anyone else in life.

Saturday, 24 October 2009

~nothingness~

I can't stop thinking about her!
jealousy is on the air......seriously!
she's too good....
she's so smart...
and I'm still hardly trying to make a whole new structure of a positive attitude....

I'm so....................................................

hurm...
it's ok kot sri....
just be urself
and try to be better...
sume org ad kelebihan n kelemahan masing2 kn?

raya FST

Syawal dah berlalu....Deepavali pun tinggal kenangan(ceh!)
Tp bru hr ni la keje2 mengupload gmba ni berjalan dgn lancar. Nothing much to say but these are few pics on Hari Raya Gathering for all FST students and staffs.

Well, lets start...
Hurm...these are the vibrant colours of the air that I'm breathing in at USIM. My dear classmates, my family....luv them so much taw!


Actually the gathering was held right after Dean's Award Ceremony. Hari yg same..I was in DKF 1.2 from 8 a.m. and then trus lari pg foyer FST lps hbs majlis tu. Tidak kusangka, rupa2nya Abg Qayum nk sy jd MC for both events...Dean's Award Ceremony and the gathering...tp sape sruh xnak ckp awal2 utk gathering tu...mcm nak membunuh je bgtau last minute kan...For the gathering, sy jz alu2kan ketibaan Dean and lecturers and sempatla membebel sekejap sbgai warm up. Then I left the mic to the secretariat. Lg pun, I think such event don't really need me to be the MC...ckupla dgn mereka2 yg handle all the games utk memeriahkan suasana...sbb lain.....hehe...nk mkn rmai2 dgn all my classmates la...mls mau terikat dgn mic..(sungguh jahat)



lihatlah muke hafiz yg 'garang'...dy nih abg long dlm kls ktorang...sibuk nk ngaco org amk gmba dgn adda...


ini tanggang n family...acting is fun!
bersama anak2 n menantuku...mansuriah n mansur with his 'wife', maryam...(bkn nme sbnr)







my fav pic!




masing2 pose conrol comel padahal time makan punyela.....hai....



ha....at the end, this is our pose dgn senior2 kami....Dorang ni s2dent 2nd year..They all la pioneer utk prog Applied Physics kt USIM nih...

okeh...da ckp da mls nak tulis pnjang2.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

~THEATRE.....OH...teater~

dari pencinta taekwondo, beralih arah pd teater....
gara2 kaki yg injured...dan sgt2 terbatas utk menendang, menyepak terajang sume tuh....
even main badminton pun kene stop bnyk kali coz sometimes urat rasa mcm nak putus!
Maka beralih la sri sazila ke bidang seni.....lalala~
(it's time to be lemah lembut sket kot....)

Hey, I'm taking Theatre, CDA....(ntah ap code dy, dah lupe....) just for my co-curriculum course. Actually rasa mcm nak join kor suksis tp apekan daya....kakiku ini....sgt ngeri la dgn aktvt2 lasak...Maka jadilah saya seorang pelajar kpd Cikgu Along n Cikgu Fazreen tersayang....haha..

Yeah, sometimes I do enjoy the course. For final assessment, of coz la we need to get involve in a theatre production. Erk...not really, we gonna have a competition. And guess what, instead of being the MC, I suddenly need to act!

Maria....oh....Aleeya....

between these two characters, I need to choose one.
mulenye dorng sruh blakon jd Aleeya but since that it's really2 hard for me to do the pandang-memandang, tenung2, bertentang mata tahap jewang teramat punye scene....(I alwiz close my eyes when it comes to that 'favourite' scene...)then suddenly pemegang watak Maria yg asal called me this morning and asked me to be Maria....seorang isteri nusyuz...WAH!!!....na'udzubillah in real life.
(Better kot drpd kene tenung mata org lain...nt jealous I punye husband tau...(sape ntah)...PLUS, mmg xpnh buat keje gile tuh n sgt malu la!!!)

Dunno lah.....
well, can I just quit and decide to be the MC for that day....xyah blakon!
tp kesian sama my grup member la....lg pun, asyik muka ni je la pulak yg m'bebel dlm mjlis kt usim tuh....for now, mybe it's enough with the Dean's Award Ceremony and FST Raya Gathering..(since when la sri sazila jd gile mic ni...). Xde mknenye la nak sruh sri sazila join ATRA ye kwn2...

Tomorrow may be our final casting session with Cikgu Along. We r supposed to have a practice session this evening but suddenly the hero(Amin) can't turn out. So, I decided to stay a bit longer at home(Cheras)...and guys, see u tonight!

p/s: waiting for 'jampi' doc 2 be utk bg kaki ni baik....merepek saje lah si abdul sorang tu.

LET IT GO

It’s just too easy to sympathize and to love others but it seems difficult for me to trust a person. I keep comforting myself with all the concerns I got from this person but the other half of me is fighting against all the seducing voices from both inside and outside.

Well, I told myself again and again that this is just too early to happen….and just let it buried forever?!

Hurm…I think I’ll need a very long time to consider all these things. How I wish I could easily scream out to all that I really don’t want to lose any part of this. But for now, to let it go may be a great decision. Definitely, I’ll be missing it but I just have to…as I need time to trust a person and I don’t have the gut to let ‘the person’ intruding my life for any further.

Always with hopes, I keep moving forward….filling my life with laughter and tears with other important characters while collecting maximum strength to keep smiling in the gloomy air because nobody is going to tell me for how long I should wait…and I’m not sure whether I really need to wait or just to bid farewell.

Trying not to think about this is not easy…

I’m now struggling hard enough to keep in mind that HE always has plans for me. PLUS, study is my priority and there are so many things to be improved before I really let myself be in the sweetness of this part of sunnatullah....

....al-hubb min fitratil insaan...

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

~negative mode~

[Well, this is just a negative mode of writing...]

Again, worrying about Modern Physics... without any lecture notes and we, the whole class are still very hardly trying to really get ourselves into the lesson. Final paper is just within two weeks! I'm nearly give up all hopes.....spritually broken!

NOPE!! Don't!

I’m cruelly pushing my emotion to be in just an ideal mood of studying. But….oh, no! I hate it when I suddenly burst into tears. When this happened, I could no longer think about anything!

..I hate tears…

But I just can’t stop worrying about things that I’ve been wondering for so long.
My destiny…
Goals…
Study…
FINAL EXAM!!!....
Theatre…
And….hurmmm…

*I’m telling you again that this is just a negative mode of writing.

I’d never wish to let myself drowning in floods of tears. I’m so small…weak…EMPTY. It's rather difficult to convince myself about my strength and ability than to convince others about theirs

It’s easy to just talk about gratitude but it’s hard to implement the value. It’s a pleasure when I trust all HIS promises but it sweats me a lot! Sometimes, we are not patient enough in waiting for something precious.

*confused*

p/s: I've told you that this is just a negative mode of writing.

Thursday, 1 October 2009

A HOPE

[post yg kurang terarah]

*killing a hope*
When I used thiS as my status message(ym), a friend of mine immediately asked
"are u ok?"
and that person made me smile again with two magic words
'KEEP SMILING'
I guess I still remember how to smile...hik3...
Glad to do that....
(tq my fren)

KILLING A HOPE??!
what hope, sri?

A hope that everything i own will remain as mine forever....
-impossible!

A hope that there will always someone to lend a shoulder for me to cry on...
-impossible?? erk...we'll see...

A hope that something that I want so much will be in my possession....soon...
-UNCERTAIN!

A hope to always be in positive mode of thinking....
-yeah, I should try....

A hope to do my best for all people that I love so much...
-I'm still trying...

I used to talk about these things...
dlm dunia ni xde pape pun yg kekal...

I'm trying my best to appreciate every single thing. The biggest hope that I'm having right now is to make all relationships as beneficial as possible. I want to be 'their' friend....in this world and hereafter...
'kalau pun bkn di dunia...semoga Dia izinkan kita semua untuk sama2 melangkah dan hidup bahagia dlm kenikmatan yg kekal di akhirat nt...'

'What a friend for?'
utk apa if xde satu pun kebaikan yg boleh diberi pada seorang kawan...

Rse2nye apa lagi yang memungkinkan saya untuk sentiasa bertanya tentang ibadat, hidup, dan iman mereka..... kalau bukan kerana sayang??
I don't want any of us to be in risky situations. I love all of you!
And help me as well....I'm not that strong......

Dear Allah....You are the best to know how much I love them....Please, give us Your guidance. Bless us with Your perfect love....

[don't know what I'm talking about..]

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

THIS GREAT MOMENT

How on earth can this person regain her confidence to be a happy person.
I never want to remind myself about how bad I was during my past. And I don't really hope to think about what will happen next. I’m living in this great moment, the only one that I have to do everything, express every single feeling…and improve everything.

I’m certainly happy with my life now. I don’t know whether I would feel the same thing as I wake up tomorrow. Just, never want to miss a single mysterious moment of this intriguing journey.

What I’m having right now is just a first step towards a blissful end of ‘a story’. Sometimes they ask,

“Sri tak takut kecewa?”

Who knows?
I don’t know….

What I’m doing right now is just celebrating ‘a life’
I’m not that overwhelmed with all these experiences. Just…accept them and try to be smart in dealing with them. Be moderate in everything. I always need to remind myself that anything can happen in future. Everything may change. I know that there is always something that He wants to let me know. So, hmm…. I have been smiling throughout these beautiful days….

Trying…not to put too much hope, not to immortalize anything….

Yet, I still need to work hard for the sake of tomorrow. This great moment is the only one that I have to put my greatest effort in study. Jz can't help it when I start worrrying about final exam. It's too much to do for Modern Physics and Insrumentation(especially).

This great moment is the only one that I have to do my best in worship. What if tomorrow never comes...

Dear Allah....I need ur kind blessing in whatever that I'm doing...Dear Allah... I need You to always be with me every single moment. Dear Allah... I need Your guidance in dealing with all happiness and sadness. Dear Allah.... I need You......

A future is still a future.

Nobody can see the colours of tomorrow…..

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Thank U Allah

.....bcoz I got everything that I need...and what I have is definitely what I should have.

...Alhamdulillah...

I had just endured the pain of disliking my possessions and regretting my past
This life is beautiful. I had never expect to experience most of the things happened in my life.
I had been chosen to be in intriguing situations for more than once. Sadness and sorrow are part of my life too. Sometimes I hate them so much but most of the times, I would definitely learn something new…vital lessons at the end of everything.


’Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability.’-Al-Baqarah:286

I’m now so grateful for being bestowed with all those difficulties. At least He doesn’t let me drowned in a life-long happiness that may be a silent killer to my pride…(think). I know myself...but He knows better...
Thank U Allah…You had never leave me alone.

Just to name a few…

Sometimes, there is nobody around when I need a companion…
‘He’s telling me not to rely too much on friends, family…etc….but Him. He’s telling me to be independent of others as He knows it is affordable for me.’
-Thank U Allah-

Sometimes, I get something that I hate so much…
‘He’s telling me…I need that thing…it’s the best for me. Unpleasant things may be beneficial.’
'...and it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows...while you don't know'-Al-Baqarah:216
-Thank U Allah-


Sometimes, He doesn’t give me what I want…
‘He’s telling me that I’m not prepared to have it…’
-Thank U Allah-

Sometimes, I lose something that I love so much…
‘He’s telling me…there’s nothing everlasting in this world.’
-Thank U Allah-

Everything happened for a reason. There are roles that they play in my life...to make me just the way I should be. A person...and whatever in my possession... they come into my life with lessons for me to learn. When their roles end...they would eventually disappear...

Whenever I want to declare something as part of my life, I will have to think about the risk of losing it. Don’t beg to get something if we are not strong enough to lose it. The pain is terrible. But for everything that we lose, He would replace it with something better....

>~smile~<

‘Verily, with every difficulty there is relief’


Friday, 18 September 2009

A short break

Crying it out…again and again… I know that I’m still uncertain about this part of my life. I’m just an ordinary girl alias woman to be. Sometimes, I think that I’m strong enough to deny and just ignore the biggest desire from deep within this soul of emptiness. Yet, some other times…including at this moment…I have to admit that I’m so fragile!


I’m trying to get rid of it…simply said, for the sake of mardhatillah. I can’t stand for any longer being far apart from Him. ‘That thing’… I don’t know what role does it plays in my life. At first, I felt that I was pretty well energized by its emergence. I thought that ‘we’ were trying to guide each other to ‘somewhere’. But somehow, now... I realize that I'm not going anywhere except walking further apart from the purest serenity. Then only I tell my mind that I'm afraid of that ‘happiness’ even I know that I want it so much!


Enough is enough. I'm pretty tired of trying to 'tahsin' and 'taslih' the path that we're taking. But maybe I'm not good enough to do this. I've to walk away no matter how reluctant I am. I'm hoping for someone else out there to take a very good care of some'thing' that can no longer be my priority. Still, my prayer will always be around. And now, one of the things that I need to teach myself is how to be patient. I believe that it will soon be mine. Just a little more patience in this great battle of the soul to make a peace inside....hmmm...



sigh? smile?
~~~SMILE~~~SIGH~~~ both!

Plus...be prepared, Sri! A pleasure always comes with responsibilities...ehm...


p/s: give me a break...

Thursday, 10 September 2009

I'M LEAVING...I'M COMING...

InsyaAllah...sy mahu mengembara lg. Esok, sgt membimbangkan tapi tak sabar menunggu natijahnya. Peluang untuk kembali ke 'sana' sy anggap sebagai rahmat yang sangat besar. Tapi, ada tanggungjawab yg menanti. Tak pasti sejauh mana keupayaan diri utk memikul tp yakin dgn bantuanNya selagi sy ikhlas menerima semua ini.

Rasanya dah terlalu lama sy menyepi dari medan itu. Akhirnya Dia memanggil saya untuk kembali menyertai angkatan. Hiba...dlm kotor yg teramat, Dia masih memuliakan saya dgn undangan ini. Syukur...sememangnya sy perlukan sesuatu utk 'renew' hati yg dah berkarat ni. Untuk itu sy memulakan langkah menjauhi apa yg selama ini melemahkan sendi2 jiwa sy...hmmm...terlalu sakit sbnrnya...
Semoga ada ketenangan yg menanti dalam keghairahan melakar 'sejarah baru' di sana nanti.

Esok... semoga matlamat kami semua lebih jelas...
Semalam.....sy redha dgn apa yg pernah terjadi. Sy mohon dia juga diberi kekuatan utk kembali ke era kegemilangan rohaninya. Rasanya saya tak mampu membantu walau itulah harapan di awal kisah dulu. Selemah-lemah manusia ni cuma mahu menganggap 'kisah2' itu sbgai pengajaran berguna.^-^

Monday, 24 August 2009

NO MORE SILENCE

Looking back to those I had left behind, I realize that it will never be enough with just a sigh. I know that I was enforcing my emotion harder than my physical action just to get what I want and somehow noticing as well, lately, it’s no longer an easy task just like before.
Getting to know myself, I start glancing through all memories of my school days. I will never forget what my teachers used to say about me. “It’s really hard to hear a single word from this girl”. Yes, I was not the one who pleased the teachers by being talkative, interactive and active in class. How I wish I was the one!

Entering a boarding school is definitely a new phase of life. It was only then, I realized that people around me made their life joyful and meaningful by being grateful. They enjoyed everything they had and whatever they’re doing, still within certain limitations that keep them very tightly to Islamic and moral values. The motivation keeps them going and finally they got what they were struggling for.

Sometimes, the thought of how on earth can these people become good in almost everything keeps pondering in my head. And surely, it will remind me about a person with a very high self motivation. He was a famous guy in school due to his pleasant attitude and politeness. But sometimes HE doesn’t let us stay on top of everything for too long. His SPM result was quite disappointing and he only got the chance to pursue in Islamic studies instead of getting involved in science stream (his desire). All his faith was only to The Merciful Allah. He believed that Allah gave him the best thing in life.
Finally, he succeeds with excellence after three years of hard effort, trying to be happy with what he had and become a happier person with the result of his total appreciation to all the chances given.
This person had really taught me so many important ideas that we need to have in life and he keeps stressing about the importance of gratitude and hard effort. But maybe I was too young at that time and I misinterpret the concept of being grateful, soft-spoken and low profile.

Yes, sometimes we need to express ourselves. Sometimes we need to argue here and there to get a better reward but in those past years; I just kept myself in ‘critical silent mode’. It was just an ordinary Sri Sazila, I guess… (a perfect guess). I was not the one who loved to voice out. I was not the one with great confidence to tell the world about WHAT I WANT!
And they didn’t know…thus couldn’t help this naïve girl. Attempting to be thankful by willingly stay in uncomfortable situation?! This is not grateful, Sri…

“Regain your confidence, build up your determination, live your spirit to the fullest.”

That’s all I need to keep moving forward with remarkable steps. Plus, continuous prayer and total belief in the plans that HE has for me….(smile)

This life is too short. Make full use of it.
"The real function of a man is not to exist, but to live."-quote

Be grateful?
=Yes…

Silence?
=No more, please……

Saturday, 15 August 2009

~PASRAH~

Mencari diri yang kian gharib di hadapan Tuhannya...menadah kekuatan yg sangat diperlukan. Tiba2 terlalu akur mengakui kelemahan yg bukan sedikit.
Rasanya semakin hampir utk mengalami kehilangan yg memeritkan. tak tahu sejauh mana hati mampu redha dgn takdir ini. Namun qadha' dan qadar Allah S.W.T tiada siapa yg mampu menafikan. Sekadar memujuk diri dgn bayangan hikmah yg pasti menanti. Tak guna menangis, tak guna meratap....semua tahu tntang ini walu itulah yg kerap dilakukan akhir2 ini. Tapi sekadar mahu mengadu pada DIA yg mengaturkan takdir sebegini rupa...sbb, hanya DIA yg benar2 memahami.
Tahu, satu hari nanti kehilangan itu pasti akan berlaku. Utk itu hati yang terlalu rapuh ini mohon digenggan seerat yang mungkin. Pada siapa lagi selayaknya harapan ini disandarkan kalau bukan pada DIA. Sepatah bicara menyeru namaNya, rasa malu, hina menampar kalbu. Kenapa baru hari ini mahu menagih pandanganNya...
Mungkin, bermula hari ini sekadar mampu menanti dengan air mata...lemahnya insan! Atau mungkin DIA hadirkan sesuatu yg baru utk hambaNya ini.
Seandainya apa yg pernah dilalui sebelum ini adalah nikmat, berilah ilham agar hati terus mensyukuri dan menyanjung sifat PemurahMu atas kurniaan ini. Jangan sampai ada yang tak kenal diri. Mungkin, belum masanya untuk menikmati bahagia yg satu ini. Dengan seribu satu kekurangan diri, tak layak langsung rasanya...
Semoga, tiada lagi yg sukar menjadi insan yang bahagia. Janganlah ada yg dijauhkan dari rahmatNya. Putuskan harapan ini Ya Allah....andai sandarannya bukan pada kekuasaanMu....
Setiap yg disayangi, biar diserahkan saja pada DIA utk pemeliharaan yg terbaik...

Monday, 8 June 2009

kalaulah dia tahu

Kalaulah dia tahu...
Saya, mahu insan yg disayangi dapat apa yg dihajati. Bila dia merasa tak layak utk memiliki apa yg diinginkan, sy cuba menyeru dirinya utk sama2 tingkatkan kelayakan.

Kalaulah dia tahu...
Dalam doa di akhir solat, sy sering menyebut namanya...mohon Allah memeliharanya dgn sebaik-baik pemeliharaan. Saya mahu hanya yang terbaik untuk dirinya. Biarlah setiap yg bermula dan berakhir itu memberi hikmah padanya. Moga hatinya sntiasa digamit kerinduan pada Ilahi. Saya mahu dia menikmati betapa indahnya memiliki perasaan! Lebih indah lagi bila hati dan perasaan itu sentiasa segar dgn rasa kehambaan dan kecintaan yg mulia.

Kalaulah dia tahu...
Saya mengharapkan bulan dan bintang di langit yg ditatapnya bukan sekadar memberi ketenangan dan kedamaian tp menginsafkan saya dan dia tentang kekuasaan Allah. Saya mahu hatinya mendengar zikir2 yg dialunkan oleh semua cptaanNya yg ada di langit dan di bumi, bukannya sekadar membayangkan keindahan cahaya bintang menari balet!

Kalaulah dia tahu...
Saya mahu jiwanya lapang setelah berkejar menunaikan hak Allah untuk ditemui seusai laungan azan, bukannya mahu mendengar kutukannya pada diri sendiri lntaran terlewat menghadiri temujanji. Airmata sy pasti mengalir laju bila menyedari seruan halus dari hati saya belum bersahut. Saya terlalu sebak bila dia me'ratu'kan syaitan di lisannya walaupun tanpa sengaja.

Kalaulah dia tahu...
Saya sangat menghargai segala-galanya. Tapi saya mahu jd lebih berharga di hadapan Tuhan yang sentiasa mengasihi saya. Saya punya cara tersendiri utk menyayangi dirinya dan saya mahu dia merawat hatinya supaya kasihnya kelak lebih gagah menuntun langkahnya ke 'sana'

Kalaulah dia tahu...

Thursday, 7 May 2009

saya...mahu...

dunno who i am...
lalala~~~
posting mengarut-ngarut lagi...


saya...mahu jd yg tegas, tp makin hari makin lembik...
saya...mahu jadi tabah, tp makin hari makin lemah
saya...mahu jadi yg mesra, tp makin hari makin sombong...
saya...mahu bangun...bangkit...tp makin hari makin keras kaki nak melangkah...

dia...dia...dia...
sinisnya dia...

JANGAN! jangan berdendam...
jgn rosakkan hati...


saya...mahu menjauh....
tp hati rasa makin dekat...

saya mahu ini....tp dapat itu...
saya...
mahu pergi...
tp hati makin sayang...
makin rindu...

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

*G*E*L*O*R*A*

Hujan tgh lebat kt s.alam ni....kami yg ada dlm lab ni pun mcm confuse...kls ada ke x ni? Saya dgn selambenye pergi menjelajah seluruh pelusuk dunia especially mesir dgn singgah di beberapa blog pilihan... Aduhaii...semakin bergelora rasanya hati...
Gelora??? yang paling kuat menghuni hati sekarang adalah rasa rindu...
rindu pada 'dia'...walau dulu pernah berniat untuk melarikan diri dari'nya'...
Kolej Islam Sultan Alam Shah....Bumi Waqafan yg dulu, sy rasakan terlalu 'keras' didikannya...
KISAS lebih banyak mendidik dan menegur dgn kepahitan. Dua tahun yang terlalu sukar di sana kini bertukar menjadi dua tahun yang sangat dirindui... Lebih2 lagi bila berada di sini, dunia IPT yang sangat88x jauh berbeza...Lihat di sekeliling, tiada siapa yang akan menegur andainya saya memutuskan untuk lari jauh dari'nya'....Lihat pula pada kenangan di sana, oh Tuhan...cukuplah tarbiyah di bumi itu yang mendamaikanku...
Saya rindu pada bi'ahnya...walau dulu pernah merasakan diri ini tak layak untuk menjadi sebahagian dari warganya. Tapi bicara dan ketentuan Allah mengatasi segalanya. Saya tetap dipilih dan diberi peluang untuk merasainya... Dan tak pernah terlintas di hati, untuk melalui keperitan2 yang sangat menyesakkan...Namun itulah bentuk 'Pearls of Waqafan' yang Allah berikan pada saya...hinggakan untuk mengulagi kesilapan yang sama, saya sering berfikir berpuluh kali...bimbang natijahnya juga serupa.
Rasa terpujuk bila membaca entry di blog milik Ummu Huraiya...sekali lagi saya terdidik untuk mensyukuri segala kepahitan...
Lalu, bersyukurlah saya dlm menghadapi 'gelora' yang 'satu lagi'... Tak sekuat gelora yang pertama...tapi adakalanya buntu jgak mencari solutionnya...
Cuma...saya yakin Allah ada rencana untuk saya...saya yakin Dia akan menggenggam hati saya andai kelak takdirNya tak seiring dgn impian ini...Sekadar mampu berdoa, moga ditunjukkan jalan yang terbaik...walau dlm hati, Allah shjlah yg tahu betapa sy mengharap dan merindu...

"moga semuanya lillahi ta'ala...dan hanya Dia juga yang Maha Mengetahui..."

Thursday, 29 January 2009

manisnya UKHUWAH....

'hidup ini indah jika semuanya kerana Allah...'
terlalu manis ungkapan ini... rasanya bkn hanya sy yg biasa mendengarnya...tapi lemahnya saya...selalu saja lalai dari mengingatiNya...selalau saja terlupa untuk meniatkan apa yang saya lakukan keranaNya....
Tapi masih lagi terasa saya disayangiNya...Dulu, sy pernah mengecap manisnya hidup dikurniakan ukhuwah yang dibina tulus keranaNya. Rindu rasanya pada mereka. Dan rupa-rupanya kemanisan itu masih bersisa. Bukan sedikit tindak-tanduk saya yang seolah 'dijaga' dari jauh...
Tak terluah rasanya syukur di hati...tak terzahir penghargaan ini buat yang bergelar SAHABAT... Saat2 iman saya seolah berada pada tahap kritikal, tiba2 Allah gerakkan hati sahabat2 ini untuk mendekati saya dgn seribu satu nasihat. Bila mereka menghampiri, saya seolah lupa pada keinginan2 hati yang selama ini merosakkan jiwa.... Yang saya perlukan hanya mereka....yang terlalu setia menyegarkan hati saya dgn saling mengingatkan tentang dosa pahala, tentang Syurga Neraka.....
Syahidah, Mahfuzah, Amira, Rahmah.... mereka ibarat permata. Besarnya peranan mereka dalam hidup saya....
"Tuhan...dampingilah mereka sentiasa....sayangilah mereka kerana aku yakin mereka juga sangat mencintaiMu"

"Teman yang kucari...sebenarnya bukan untuk keseronokan, kepuasan, kemewahan....akan tetapi, teman yang dicari adalah untuk sama2 menyatukan hati masing2 di dalam menempuhi ujian Ilahi...sehingga dia berupaya menitiskan airmata ukhuwah...yang terkesan daripada kesetiaan teman yang dimilikinya..."

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

mari kita berSABAR...

Hampir tiga minggu dah berlalu...dan rasanya tak perlu dikenang lagi rasa marah dan geram tu... Sudahlah...redhakan saje...maafkan dia.... sbb saya pun salah juga....
Terselit jg pengajaran berguna. Lain kali layan sume org biar sama-rata...
Bila terubat rasa marah, tiba2 hati kembali haru-biru memikirkan 'sesuatu' yang lain.... Aduhai, fitrah diri yang sekian lama minta diraikan.... sabarlah...
Yup, sabar.......... sabar.......... dan sabar............ mungkin itu sebabnya diwujudkan Laut Mediterranian, Sungai Nil, Laut China Selatan....untuk memisahkan????
ya...melatih sy menjadi lebih....SABAR!!!
Tapi rupa2nya ada juga angin kencang yang mampu bertiup merentas segala macam perairan hinggakan yang di sana dan di sini semakin goyah setiap hari.
Oh...sudah.......lepas cuti ada 1st test. Bnyk muka surat yang perlu diselak...
Malangnya, naskhah tebal McMurry tertinggal di S.Alam... nasib baik buku LeMay tu tak lupa nak bwk...nota Dr. Huang pun ada...
Sekali lagi, sabarlah....buat masa ni, itu saja jln yg ada... bukan ke dia juga ada 'big battle' di sana?
Mari3x........mari kita study....

Sunday, 18 January 2009

chAoTIc days...=( =) :P*

Bermula 12 Jan hingga 16 Jan, sy menganggap hari-hari yang baru sj berlalu ini merupakan antara yang paling banyak meninggalkan 'sesuatu' untuk diingati.

12 Jan 2009-Saya dikejutkan dgn tindakan seseorang yg sgt sy hormati sbagai seorang kawan. Pada sy, apa yang dia lakukan pd hari itu seolah bertujuan utk memalukan sy. Tapi setelah hampir seminggu berlalu, sy mula terfikir kemungkinan yg semua tu berlaku tanpa disengajakan. Jadi, sy cuba memujuk hati, 'mungkin dia tak sedar apa yg dia buat tu buat saya terguris' Entah, sejujurnya sy masih menyayanginya sebagai rakan. Berat rasanya mahu percaya dgn apa yg terjadi. Tapi rasanya susah mahu kembali seperti dulu. Lebih2 lagi bila ada pertanyaan2 pelik tentang kami dari orang2 sekeliling.

13 Jan 2009-Kisah tragis berlaku di dalam tandas. Spek masuk lubang jamban!!! warghh.... Speechless dibuatnya. But at last sy gelak je...hahha..Petang tu, pegi kls ITMP mcm buang masa jek..coz xnmpak ape2. Si Yana plak buat lawak g kelas pkai baju terbalik. Dah menggelabah sgt nak cepat agaknye. Waktu pegi toilet utk betulkan baju, baru dia sedar...rupa2nya tudung pun dia pakai terbalik... Aduhaiii... Kelas hbs kul 5. Then, kami berlima terus keluar ke P.Alam Sentral. Kononnya nak buat sy punya temporary contact lens. Urgent sgtla tu! Tapi akak kt kedai tu ckp kalau nk pkai lens, sy kena pkai yg permanent...coz silau tinggi. Nak tunggu siap, sme mcm nk tnggu spek...so, baik wat spek. Sudahnye, bdk 4 org tu yg bershopping sakan. Saya?? beli jagung dlm cup dgn waffle jek...haha! Sempat seludup sebotol perfume body shop utk hadiah hr jd Yana yg dah tak sabar nak jadi budak 18thn tu. Balik tu, terpaksa jln kaki dari PKNS ke sksyen 2. Tunggu bas kt sksyen 2 plak punyela lama...nk dekat stgh jam..silap2 lebih! Siap bersila tepi jalan sambil mengunyah lagi anak2 dara berlima nih...

14 Jan 2009-Apa yang menarik ye? Rsenye xde pape...Jz, kebosanan dlm kuliah fizik sbb sy xnmpak ape2...jdnye tak salin nota pun...dgr ajela Miss Suhana berceloteh. En Meor pula smpat 'bergurau' dgn sy dlm kelas Computing... Aduss!! terkedu saya dgn lawak En Meor... Oh ye...
Selamat Hari Lahir buat saudara Muhammad Muzzammil bin Musbah... xtaulah apa khabarnya saudara yg seorang ini... Semoga sentiasa diredhaiNya...

15 Jan 2009-Dr. Rosli smpaikan berita gembira... Elaun dah masuk!!! Alhamdulillah... Petang itu, buat kali pertama utk sem 2 ni sy masuk lab utk sbjct ENG024. Kali ni, kami bkn lagi di bawah bimbingan Tg. Amran, tapi Miss Haliza yang.......yang.....garang??? entahla... xtau nak cakap. Tapi kelam-kabut jgakla dibuatnya. Masing2 jd lipas kudung utk mengelakkan diri dari ditengking. Well, agak stress dlm lab tuh... Smpai sy tak sedar mcm mana sy boleh tersentuh hot metal plate yg mmg tgh sgt2 hot! Berkali2 ganda lbih panas dari boiled water! Melecur tangan... Terus je sy bkak n campak glove yg tersarung. Risau kalau melekat plak dkt kulit yg dah masak tu... Pucat juga muka sy waktu tu... Rata2 yg menjadi saksi pun dah naik risau. Ika, Yana, Hani, Syuib n Pain...thnx 4 ur concern. Malam tu, lpas solat Maghrib sy terus berselubung dgn comforter. Rasa nak demam. Mungkin terkejut gara2 tersentuh hot plate petang tu. Bangun utk solat Isyak, then smbung tidur lagi. Mmg tak larat...menggigil-gigil dah. Tapi sempat juga berpesan pada Hani utk dikejutkan b4 12 a.m. Plan utk surprisekan Yana still perlu dilaksanakan... Haha...nasib ko lah dpt kwn mcm ktorang Yana...
Tepat 12 tgh mlm-saya, Ika, Ana dan Fatin dah standby dlm toilet dgn dua baldi air sabun yg sgt wangi... ha3... Hani pula bertindak sbgai role player... Terkejar-kejar ke bilik Yana si b'day girl a.k.a mangsa ktorang mlm tu,
"Yana, Ana jatuh kt toilet...kaki dia sakit...tak boleh bangun...Tolong weh, xtau nk wat ape nih..."
Si Yana pun kelam-kabutlah berlari dek krn risaukan Ana... Samnpai je kt toilet....
SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhahahahahahahahahaha.......
Yeh....selamatlah dua baldi air sabun.... Malam tu Yana sgt wangi. Bau mcm2 jenis sabun n syampu ada! Yang lain pun basah sama... Cuma sy yg agak kurang aktif bermandi sabun mlm tu sbb badan dah menggigil-gigil... Baju sy jela yg maintain kering mlm tu...Org demam la katakan...
Seronok tengok diorang beramai-ramai angkut baldi g bilik air sbb terpaksa mandi lps kul 12...Sape suruh main air sabun! Wakaka...

16 Jan 2009-Kuliah Fizik, Lab Fizik dan Kuliah Math.... sy jd buta utk semua kls nih... Lab Fizik?? Hmmm...sy ditakdirkan sekumpulan lagi dgn dia... Sepanjang perjalanan xperimen, tak sekali pun sy angkat muka utk pndang dia w'pun dia btul2 berhadapan dgn saya. Masih tersinggung. Lagaknya mcm sy xpernah kenal dgn makhluk itu. Tapi, mungkin benar andaian sy yang dia tak sedar kesalahannya. Nmpak juga yg dia dah mula blur... Ntah dia tau ke tidak yg sy mrh kt dia? Dia pun mcm takut2 je nak tegur dan borak dgn sy... Padan muka! sape suruh buat org malu... Aduhai, kawanku yg sorang ni... Xpela...x baik marah lme2 kn? maafkan jela...

Hmmm...chaotic days of mine... Rindu rasanya mahu bertemu semula dgn mereka semua. Esok bermula minggu baru. Jom cipta kenangan baru...